Guilt Attack

I woke up this morning feeling unbelievably guilty. Yoon is this Korean friend of mine and she used to go out with Sam but he called if off before summer ended. They were good friends for a year before they started seeing each other for another year. Ever since they broke up, they have been barely talking to each other and I know she's still pretty messed up about it. So what am I doing by hanging out with her ex-boyfriend here?! Now I even barely talk to her. We hardly see each other now and I don't think she really wants to talk to me.

I mean, I'm not trying to steal him away or something but I just enjoy his company. I was looking at a picture of them last night and they looked so happy back then. What do I do now?

Two

Recently, I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Sam which is good because it seemed like a better way of using my time rather than going out partying every weekend or sitting around and moping about you know who. I've decided to give up on what I want for the time being so I've been doing my best not to see him and it has been working. I've been feeling much better and even when I do see him, I don't feel heartsick that much anymore. Having a regular conversation does not seem so hard anymore.

However, tonight is special. We'll be going to an orchestral performance together; just the both of us. He was looking for someone to go with to his professor's recital tonight and no one else wanted to go so I volunteered. You may think I'm doing the wrong thing by spending time alone with him but the truth is, I miss talking to him. Haven't had that one-on-one time in several months. Maybe I'm making up excuses for myself but I've always wanted to go to the orchestra at Drake but never had before.

I wasn't being optimistic about the whole thing either because he had a very busy day working and didn't get much sleep so there was a good chance that he might decide not to go. When I asked him about it, I was doing my best not to persuade him but to let him decide. Also, if I didn't go with him, I had something else that I could attend anyway. According to our conversation on the phone, he is coming but I have to give him a lil wake up call because he's going to take a nap before heading out with me.

I don't know if he'll wake up or change his mind at the last minute but for now, I'll allow myself a small smile.

Edit: Up to the time while we were about to leave, he kept asking other people to come along. Guess he didn't want to just watch it with me; we ended up sitting with a mutual friend at the auditorium. So much for being slightly optimistic.

Controversy

I don't know about most people but as for me, I find it hard to be good but totally platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex. It's not because of me, I'm completely fine with it but its what people talk about. I've found myself being questioned about the status of my "friendship" with guys on more than one occasion. If we were more than friends. =.=" I've been asked by my friends and even my parents!

Is it so hard to be just really good friends with a guy? I don't think so. Personally, I enjoy having good guy friends. To know that they'll be there for me if I find myself stuck in a sticky situation that I need to get out of, they can be my muscles and if the situation calls for it; bodyguards. Guys are good at what girls generally aren't...like brawn. Who do I call when I need help moving? My guy friends of course! Plus, they know stuff regarding cars, computers, sports...etc. which makes them good to have around.

I'm not trying to make them look like disposable objects here but they genuinely are good to have around. Why this post? I was recently questioned again about my "just friends" status with a guy friend of mine. We just enjoy each other's company I guess. Plus, I'm still trying to get over someone so there is no doubt about it. People can be such nosy parkers at times.

Senorita Senior

After that incident of not putting my priorities right, I've repented and scrambled to finish my homework and I'm proud to say that I've finished all but one and that one is due Thursday which gives me a little breathing space in between the days. Registration for classes for the coming Spring semester already started and some of my classes are messed up because the times clash. Being a senior sucks because that leaves me with very little options left as to which other class to take. I hope things work out eventually.

My friend recently celebrated her birthday and I'm glad she has a good one. That leaves me with thoughts of mine that is coming up in about 3 weeks time. I'll officially be a year older and somehow, the past year has brought on many changes in my life and in my self. Both good and the questionable but then again, there are so many things that I wish would happen that I'm still waiting for. I am not growing any younger by the day and soon, before I realize it, one day I wake up and I'm celebrating my 29th birthday; still wondering where I am in life.

I guess growing up scares me. I feel intimidated by the fact that I'll have to go out into real life soon and I won't know how to live. I remember as a child always anticipating my next birthday, so that I'll be able to tell everyone that I'm a whole year older. Funny how your perspectives change when you get older.

Be My Escape

by Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

Lost

I think I have a really bad coping mechanism with how I deal with myself. After going through a period of emotional instability, I found myself shutting down. I left all that is important behind and focused more on distracting myself and the pain away. It did work, yes...that I admit but it left me wandering in life. I'm behind my school work because I had no motivation to do it whatsoever. All I want to do is just to have fun and or indulge myself in making me feel good.

The worst thing is that it also left me behind in my walk with Him. I haven't been praying or reading the Bible regularly because I was too tired to do it and too lazy. I felt like I didn't need Him to help me get through. The reason I was feeling the way I did was because I chose to obey Him and now see where it left me. I feel like I'm going through this on blind faith, giving of myself half-heartedly.

I feel lost. I feel like I lost my purpose in life, I forgot what it is and I forgot who I am. Sacrifice is meant to teach us lessons in life and living but I'm not satisfied with the outcome. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've given up something I want so much with so much of a struggle but I don't see how it is benefitting me in any way. It feels more like I'm worse off than I was before. I'm supposed to bounce back and live as I should but it doesn't feel good at all. As a matter of fact, it sucks. I want this feeling to go away.

The Magic of A Couch

This piece of furniture took us a long time to aquire because we didn't have a truck to help transport this from our friend's garage. When we finally had the truck, it was raining and we couldn't get the top off the truck. After much struggling and hauling, we managed to get this into our room about 2 weeks ago.

The funny thing is that before we had it, we didn't have many visitors or they didn't stay for long. Now, after getting this, we seem to have people over all the time. Mostly for movies and the good thing about this couch is that it sits up to 4 at once which is much better than sitting on the floor.

Maybe Tomorrow

by Stereophonics

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

Strangely Dissatisfied

What more could a girl want than to be complimented on how great she looks by her friends, to have hoards of good looking guy friends to flirt with and to know that her loved ones are there for her?

I danced with the ex-president of Alpha Kappa Psi on Friday night, flirted with my cute Kazakh friend, had a bunch of tall strapping guys over at my place for a movie tonight, had a hot Vietnamese guy buy me drinks, send me home and lend me his jacket, had my hot Canadian friend call me twice in a day last week, was hugged multiple times by Harold and somehow, I feel so dissatisfied with where I am right now.

Think of me as ungrateful. Am I really ungrateful? I know girls would envy to be me but why do I feel this way? How ironic it is to be surrounded by everything that people would usually want but not feel an ounce of satisfaction in it. Why? Because I can't have what I want. The only thing that would make a difference to how I feel, is unavailable. And that sucks.

Mum

I was never close to my mum, maybe only at one point in my life when she wasn't working and could spend more time with us. I never recalled telling her about the things that were going on in my life except for the mundane stuff. I guess maybe it was because I was afraid that she'll judge me and possibly end up blaming herself for my bad behavior, because she couldn't be there for us all of the time. I was afraid that in her anger, she would discipline me in unfair ways and no doubt, that did happen. So when I came over here, it felt good to not have to look over my shoulder all the time, to be able to do what I wanted.

I guess you know by now that I was feeling down in the dumps for a little while now but the other night, I didn't know what came over me. I think it was the lowest point I ever came to regarding this matter and I did something that even surprised myself. I picked up the phone and called my mum to tell her what was going on and just to ask her to pray for me. She did so and I had as good as a cry as I could without freaking my room mate out. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe somehow, I didn't expect my mum to be that cool about it.

Well, I haven't talked to her since then and I hope she doesn't worry about me. But somewhere deep inside of me, I have a feeling she knows I'm alright because she raised me to be who I am today. Tough as nails on the outside but with a big heart on the inside. I'll be okay.

Dancing Friday Night Away

Okay after this event, I would say that I actually enjoy partying. I know I know, it sounds bad but its not. The term is usually associated with "unhealthy" activities but I just enjoy hanging out with my friends. We went to celebrate a friend's 21st birthday at Luxx and despite the initial disappointment of a friend not being able to attend, I had a ton of fun. Possibly the most I had in a long time. Although the creep was there, he stayed a good deal away from me but he ended up trying to hit on one of my friend's roommates which sucked big time. He should just be kept away from women.

I spent most of the time at Luxx dancing the night away with one of their friends. He's an awesome dancer and it was such a nice change to be able to dance with someone that good. Haven't done that in a long long time. My Kazakh friend was there and I asked him to dance with me but lol, he isn't a good dancer and he honestly told me so. So somehow, I ended up dancing with Jim and boogied the night away.

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand

by The Primitive Radio Gods

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we've never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa's joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself on zebra flesh

I've been downhearted baby,
I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

Selfish

I should've known better than to put my hopes in you, to want to rely on you and yet somehow, you always seem to disappoint me. Nothing but disappointment time and time again.

I wonder, how do you feel about youself? Letting me down like that? Where is your heart?

You don't even care! You don't even care if I crash into a ditch somewhere and die and no one ever finds me. You don't even care if some random guy tries to hit on me. You don't even care as a friend.

And I wonder why it took me so long to realize this. Why did I even bother to put up with you and your excuses. When all this while the only thing you care about is yourself.

I hate you.

Hug Therapy

I am now a firm believer in hug therapy. It never fails to make me feel better despite the fact that I may have been having a really horrible day. I've been getting hugged daily since Wednesday...several times a day in fact. It first started with my friend Josiah, then it progressed on to Steph, then Huey Jer, and then Harold. Harold gives the best hugs because he squeezes you in a big bear hug and nothing beats that feeling somehow. So yeah, if you're feeling a lil down, go get hugged!

Impossible

Everyone has their own set of rules that they set for themselves, like "I will never (insert action here)". I have my own set and today, I just broke one of them. The very one that I've had for as long as I can remember. It was "I'll never cry over some stupid boy" and I just did. I cried for the lost opportunity to love the person ever, for doing the right thing, for struggling with myself to let go. I realized that it takes so much strength and courage to let go of something you want so bad. By letting things go, you don't know what you're holding on to anymore. There's nothing left.

I wanted so much for him to screw up, to mess up, for his ugly side to show but all I see and all I hear are the good things. He won an iPod shuffle the other day and I went to get my air tickets confirmed with one of the staff workers and she told me that he gave the shuffle to her. No strings attached because he knew that she needed an mp3 player. How can one hate a person like that? Teach me! I wanted him to make me hate him, to despise his guts so that letting go would be easy. But it isn't at all. It isn't.

Letting Go

After all this thinking and struggling that I've been going through. After feeling like a yo-yo on an almost daily basis, I finally made my decision. It came to me in the oddest place; the Asian Market. Something a friend said regarding this boy just clicked into my head. I've finally decided not to tell him. Not out of cowardice but because I feel that it is the right thing to do. A friend of mine recently told me very frankly to think things through...if I could see a future with him. It was hard to accept that even I was not sure of things to come.

I guess I'll have to get over this somehow, through some other way and no doubt that it will be a struggle, I have a feeling that I'll be alright. It's not easy to get over someone that you feel so strongly about. To make little of the good times you had together and keep everything strictly platonic. Remembering the times when they opened up and shared their heart honestly with you. He's like a vault, no matter how hard you try to get through, you just can't get in unless he lets you. And it was then that I realized how beautiful he was when I saw what was on the inside. I was trying hard...so hard to get in and nothing seemed to work.

I now know that this is not meant to happen for now. As for the future, I don't know and right now, I don't want to know. What I do know is, I'll know when the time is right. Love does not come easily nor is it easy. But when it does, I'm going to give it my best shot.

Give by Dishwalla

I have felt the comfort
Now what did I do to disappoint you?
Idle my emptiness
And it keeps returning to remind me
That I want to remain
A child with you forever
And here as you lay before me
You tease me and tell me to stay
But what would you give
What would you give
I have given everything I could
But I don't think it really matters
Maybe nothing does

In The Fall

I hate it when my brain goes into overdrive. When it starts to wander off by its own, on its own trail of thoughts and I cannot seem to do anything to distract it enough to make it stop. Everywhere around me, I seem to be seeing relationships crumble and fail. Right in the middle of when I'm trying to reach someone. When coming at me, from all directions are friends who are in the processes of healing or are thinking about the future of the relationship that they're in. And I am caught in the middle somehow.

Do I still believe in love? I ask myself this in the midst of so much hurt and regret. What is love? How do you know if you truly love someone? Somehow, I guess it is so ingrained into me that I don't think I can ever forget what it really is. I will forever quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-10. There is no other way of describing love as it is. The wholeness and completeness of it. The sacrificial part of it and the beauty of it. That verse captures the essence of love. Love is long-suffering.

So why do things seem to go through drastic changes in the Fall? They change like how the leaves change color and fall off the trees to the ground. It seems like everything is dying slowly. But there is a season for everything. The leaves need to fall in order for the trees to survive the winter. To continue to live. This is supposed to be my favorite season. Why don't I feel like it at times? I'm just waiting for spring.

Mulling

So this is what I've been doing in my free time; thinking. Been doing a lot of that lately and I guess I've not done enough because everytime I seem to do it, I find that I had overlooked rather important things. I realized that I have another fear that comes along with my decision of spilling the beans. Everyone else might/will find out; one way or the other. If things go okay or things go bad. His friends will find out and I have to deal with that. I have to decide if I can take the pressure/consequences of my action. If I do carry out this thing, it will be a little while from now. The timing is off which is good as I believe that I need this time to think things over.

Also, I've been worrying about my friend lately. When I met her, I knew that she had tendencies towards the "other side" but they are pronounced, more than ever. I fear for her. I don't want her to make that decision because I know it will hurt herself, her loved ones and God. What can the "other side" offer her? Acceptance? Well, she's a bit of an oddball but I like her the way she is. Maybe it isn't enough for her. Well, I want to talk to her about it but then again, I have no idea on how to approach the subject because I know it's a rather sensitive issue for her. Need to do more thinking I think.

Closure

I guess what I really want is closure so that I can move on with my life. I hate having to keep guessing and hoping for something that might not be there afterall. If only things were in black and white, without the shades of gray that seem to permeate every single aspect of this issue, let alone life.

The question is will I be as alright as I think I will be if things didn't turn out the way I would like it to be? And am I willing to sacrifice this friendship for the sake of learning the truth and gaining closure? Despite the many times I try to deny it, there is a very real possibility that things will change between us if I said what I had to say and I don't want that to happen. With my entire being...I don't want that to happen.

Losing the person as a friend would hurt even more than to lose them the other way. If somehow, through some miracle or divine intervention I learn that things would stay the same, I would say what I want to say without giving it a second thought. But the truth is, I don't know what will happen. And that is what I'm afraid of. Is it worth it?

Wishful Thinking

I was suddenly overcome with a wave of either insanity or a heck load of courage and wanted to tell this person my thoughts about them. I wonder if it is a temporary thing or something inside me that had changed because for that period of time, I didn't really care about what the person might have ended up saying to me...whether what was said would be hurtful to the point of irrepairable damage. The thing was and is, I feel that somehow, I'll be immune to whatever that might have be said. Is that a bad sign? Had my stance about that person changed? Or was it just temporary insanity?

I wonder what it is like to act on impulse? Will things turn out horrible or for the better? I guess such decisions are not meant to be done on impulse but then again, who knows what might happen. The logical part of my brain tells me not to say anything but then again, the urge was so strong; strong enough that I was about to try and IM the person. My only fear is that if I say what I had to say, things would be strained in the future and I know I would hate that very much. Because right now, I feel that if I said it and things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be bothered about it. I will resume my normal routine and things between us would be the same.

But most likely it will never be the exact same thing. So I guess its just my wishful thinking. But somehow, if I knew that things will not change, I would say something...even if the person doesn't share the same opinion about me.

Chopsticks

I discovered Des Moines hidden secret today. They actually have a decent Chinese restaurant and zomg, the food was so close to home and the prices were decent. It was about a 15 minute drive away from Drake. This little shop located at the end of a stripmall called Chopsticks. I had my first "white" chicken dish in the US and it was soooo good! Along with kailan, fish, tofu, prawns and eggplant. The bill came up to about $9 per person inclusive of tip which is pretty reasonable. But oh boy, the food! I am so going back to that place again.

I was feeling so sick of the food on campus but this...this totally made up for it. But then again, I might end up complaining more about the food later on. Heh! That's why sometime next week, during Fall Break, I plan to cook Nasi Lemak. Sigh~ I haven't had good Nasi Lemak in 10 months so if this turns out to be a success, I will probably make more later on.

But food....glorious food! Malaysia, I'm coming home to you baby!

TGIF....?

Once again it is Friday night but this time, I'm sitting here, in my room by myself. My roomie went out to watch a movie and despite my attempts to look for activity buddies, everyone seems busy one way or the other doing something else. Maybe it's a good time to spend some alone time with myself though it feels like crap. I wish my Malaysian friends were here or let there be a mamak stall around somewhere close by. I don't care if I just go to the mamak. That'll be fun enough.

Last week, I made the mistake of going out with this guy I only met once but thankfully, I had sense to drag my roomie along with me. I think if I hadn't brought her along, I don't know what I'll be right now. I think I was way too naive when it came to my expectations of guys over here. Well technically, you can't blame me because all my guy friends are such sweethearts that I trust them with my life! The guy I went out with was really trying to hook up with me so much so that it got really uncomfortable. Thank goodness I didn't freak out but had enough sense to talk and bullshit my way out of the situation. It was either bullshit or get into deep shit. That will be the last I ever see of that creep again!

I was pretty shaken up by what happened last week but then again, I'm ok now. I realized that it was partly my fault for being so stupid. So maybe staying back for tonight by myself is not such a bad thing afterall. I think a movie and some chocolate would do me good.

In Heels

I forsee the week ahead to be a rather lazy one. One of my classes is totally canceled for the entire week which is awesome! And so is one of my labs because its taught by the same professor and he's going away for a conference for most of the week. Yay me! So I only have class on a total of 3 days out of the week. Woot!

Been thinking lately. I've been feeling mostly down in the dumps or emo for more than a month already and I'm so sick of it. What is the point of feeling like crap when you cannot fix the problem and worrying about it does not help the situation one bit, right? I mean, there is only so much I can do so I've finally decided to let it go and go with the flow. If things are meant to change, it will happen eventually.

So right now, I'm just trying to be my usual self. I sacrificed my heels for several months and that didn't do me any good. I bet he didn't realize it either. Finally took those shoes out of the closet tonight and strutted around in them. It felt good to be wearing my shoes again. They never fail to make me feel better. :)

Happiness in a Bottle

Been feeling melancholy the whole day, maybe partly due to the weather. The rain and gloom isn't helping lift my spirits up. I was reading a friend's blog and she was writing about happiness (if you are her reading this, I just decided to put in my two cents worth XD) and what it meant to her.

At this point in my life, happiness would be the little things in life that make me smile. Like knowing that my friends and love ones are thinking about me, or that little message saying how much someone misses you and hope that things are going alright. It's the smile on the face of a loved one or a friend calling you out for dinner or a late night snack.

Happiness goes hand in hand with contentment. It is when you know everything is right with the world and with yourself. I think I need a good dose of happiness, of unbridled and free laughter. The kind when you smile to yourself when you think no one else is looking.

Secret

You know that feeling. That gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have something to tell someone but you can't do it out of the fear of ruining their life, your life. So what do you do? You keep it inside, burying it underneath layers of logic and reason; hoping that it goes away eventually. But it doesn't. Not for a while anyway. It pops its head up every now and then, and that feeling in your stomach grows even worse. It affects every aspect of your life, when you're awake, when you're daydreaming, when you're sleeping. It overwhelms your entire being until you feel like you're going to explode if you don't get if off your chest. But you can't. You just can't bring yourself to tell them.