"Coming Home"

So I get that feeling again. Slow suffocation. I guess its part of the "coming home" experience. I miss the times when I can go out without having to tell someone about it or have someone worry about me. I miss having quiet time without someone banging on my room door, interrupting thoughts or a shower. I hate it when my dad stays up for me because I want him to go to bed and not worry about me. I have been away for so long and still have survived, so I think I'll be okay.

My aversion towards the TV didn't change though. Ever since I left for the US, I never watched much TV there and it is the same way over here now. I have absolutely no interest in turning on the TV or lying on the couch. I would rather hang out in front of my computer, read a book in bed or take a walk in the garden.

When I arrived, both my bags did not come with me. It was interesting to have to live on what I left behind which wasn't much. However, one of my bags arrived today and although it was the smaller of the two, I am grateful indeed. I finally had some presents to give to my family in the form of food items and some trinkets. I am waiting for the other one to come.

Perspective

After 30 or so hours of flying and layovers, I arrived back home in Malaysia. I found it hard to believe that I had been away from home for almost a year. It didn't seem that long ago but time flies I guess. I came home with a glad heart after being away from all the things and people I grew up with. It was only when I got back that I realized how much I miss all of them, and how much I changed over the year while I was away. Change is not neccessarily bad, experience definitely made me wiser; I give it that much credit. I came back more appreciative and more understanding.

As ironic as it may sound, I am on good terms with my parents. I think they trust me like never before and I am not going to take that trust forgranted. I guess being away from home made me grow up which I did not have the opportunity to do while I was here. I did try, yes I did but my parents weren't ready to let me go just yet. Everything has its own time.

I managed to get home in time for Christmas by divine intervention. My tickets were cancelled and I had to call the airline and reschedule my flight. Some of my friends who also had their tickets cancelled could only get the next available flight on Jan 7th so they ended up not going home at all. Somehow, one thing I learnt is that although people fail you time and time again, God never does.

I am being very blunt and honest about things right now. Over the one year I was away, there were times I could've got into many possible messes and I almost did. I am ashamed of my behavior but then again, although I did some crazy things, there was always something holding me back. And I know what that is now. And words cannot express how grateful I am for that. For all the times when people were praying for my safety, thank you.

Home For The Hols

I can't believe a year has passed. I look back at all the fun and crazy things that happened over the course of the one year I lived away from home. I haven't seen my family and friends in almost a year. Don't know how I managed to live without you guys.

I'll be leaving in 2 days and I can't wait. I started packing up last night when I was supposed to be studying but I couldn't concentrate because I was too excited! My bags are semi-packed and I'm actually done with my finals. I just have a couple of research papers to finish and I'm officially done with the semester. If I finish them by tonight, I'll be able to go on a last minute shopping spree tomorrow before I get back.

Home! I'll be home for the holidays and I know it's going to be a blast!

Untitled 3

"For that first moment in my life, when I felt that we connected...everything seemed alright with the world. Nothing else mattered. You left me wondering where were things heading and when I asked you, you said you didn't know."

That chapter of my life is over. Resolution is always a good thing, no matter the outcome. It's better than leaving things the way they are; "half-assed". I don't believe in accidents. Things happen for a reason. We happened for a reason. I knew that if I went home without talking to you, I wouldn't be able to talk to you for a while after I came back. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing you, hearing your voice, remembering how you smell. I know that I would hate myself for hating you.

Listening to Sigur Ros. Wondering if you would ever come to your own resolution - of finding yourself, sharing yourself. I think I knew all this while, deep down inside of me, the reason why. I never did admit it to myself what I knew all along. You were afraid, and that's okay. We all are. I'm sorry that you had it harder than I did, harder than I will ever possibly know. But you got this far, and you're beautiful just the way you are.

I see that part of you now, that part that you never show to anyone else. You said so yourself, I know you better than your own family. I will always remember that. I will always remember you. Harold.

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now

Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

I thought things ended 2 weeks ago but last night I found myself having another deeper version of the previous conversation that we had. I admit that I resented seeing him for the past week, even yesterday. He came by after dinner to just talk, and we did; with long periods of silences in between.

Somehow it feels that he's trying to convince himself that things will not work out and seeing me and saying it out loud to me helps. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that he's afraid of a lot of things. Afraid of hurting me, afraid of being himself, afraid of making the wrong decisions in life, regret....shame. He told me things aren't easy and I agreed with him, but I said that life is as easy or as hard as you make it out to be.

I am already moving on, I've been feeling it. I told him that I will not be here, in this state of mind for long and he said he knows, he said I deserved better. He left without finishing the conversation looking rather troubled. I hope he'll feel okay eventually because I know I will.

Flyleaf - So I Thought

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
So long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

We'll Be Fine

I've always wondered how friendships grow and over time, I realized that one of the surefire ways is when things are not going well for either person and the other one is there to love, support and encourage them when times are bad. Even more so when both are ironically experiencing almost similar situations.

I realized that when I dispense advice, I am telling myself what I need to hear at the same time. Sometimes you can't help but be in denial of the situation and it's only when you can step out of the picture or see the situation in its harsh reality that you know what you should do. There's something about saying things out loud; things that you know you should do but you haven't done because you don't want to.

Girl, we'll both get through this together. Things will get better by the day and soon, only fond memories will be left. Believe me. *hug*

(* And yes, the picture was taken in the bathroom)

Scrooged Over

You know that you're really sick when everytime you cough, you give your abs a workout. I'm hoping that this cold will blow over ASAP! I've tolerated a sore throat for a week and now I have a hacking cough that keeps me up at night. The good thing is that I only have 2 official finals to take (one of which I can afford to slack off because I already have a A in the class, regardless if I take the final or not! :P), in addition to one take home final and a presentation.

I can't wait for this stupid semester to be over so that I can fly back home and rest and recuperate from all the craziness that I'd been plagued with the entire semester. I'm supposed to feel all Christmasy and happy but all I can feel now is stress as I sit in front of the computer, typing this out...eating Cheerios by the handful for breakfast because its snowing out. I haven't even done my Christmas shopping yet which is very very unlike me. I'll find a way somehow...I always do.

I Think God Can Explain - Splender

And you wonder why you have a camera phone?

Loss

My heart aches
I feel the cold

When I listen to
The songs of Victory Rose

If things could only be
With you and me

I miss you now
Can you feel me?

So futile to cry
Tears that will run dry

As hearts harden
And love is lost

Yet again
Yet again

Clarity

Sometimes your paths are not meant to cross with another...well, not the way you want it to be. I have come to accept that with someone who was on the verge of becoming a special someone. We had a talk to clear things up, for him to tell me what exactly was going on and for me to tell him what were my expectations. He was really sorry because he felt that he was leading me on when he couldn't commit. But then again, it wasn't entirely his fault either.

At first, I was really rather disappointed because he is a great guy and I wished that something more could've come out of it. After he left, I thought about things over and I'm glad we had that talk because now that I know where we stand, I'm alright. I can see where he's coming from; he would rather hurt me now than hurt me a few months down the line when things become more complicated. For what it's worth, I appreciate his honesty.

Who knows, when he becomes a famous opera singer 10 years down the road, I might bump into him again. I felt so much better after talking to him that I had to go and see him and tell him that everything was cool between us. I know he felt bad but now that we're just friends, I want to know that I'm here for him as a friend. He invited me to watch him sing on Wednesday before all of this and I told him just now that I would be there to support him. That's what friends are for.

"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye..." - Christine in The Phantom of the Opera

Quiet Time

For the first time in weeks, I actually have the time to just sit down and chill. To do whatever I want - like painting my nails. Haven't done that in a while. My usual schedule would be to come back from class/work....crawl into bed, wake up for dinner, take a shower and study study study. The cycle repeats itself again the next day. I haven't felt sleepy at all this afternoon which is good. It is snowing outside and I don't know but something about looking at falling snow relaxes me. There's about 3 inches on the ground now and it doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon.

I was hanging on by sheer will power for the past few weeks, trying to squeeze everything into my schedule and not to mention my drama-filled life. I found myself in so many new situations, something that I've never experienced before and I doubt I would have if I was still in Malaysia. This semester was a crazy thrilling emotional roller-coaster ride for me compared to last semester when I was still getting used to living over here. I am thankful for the many new friendships formed this semester and a strengthening of the old.

I learnt a lot about myself, about other people...about the things that I will have to face when I leave school and step out in the real world. I learnt to let go of certain things in my life that I knew that holding onto them only brought me down. I learnt to take life as it comes, one small step at a time because sometimes, the plans that you have in mind do not come to past...but life never fails to jump and surprise you in the face.

The timing could have never been crazier - 2 weeks from finals. I think I met someone with that spark. We haven't decided what exactly is going on but its alright because I don't know either, not right now at this stage in my life. Neither does he. I'll be coming home for Christmas and it's a good thing because then, we'll have time to think about things over Winter Break and see what lies ahead next year. Whatever it is, if it's meant to work out...it will.

Nobody Knows - Pink

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no

Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows
No

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows
No no no no

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
And oh no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no