Broken

Would you still love me
If you knew I let myself go
Into the being of someone else
That bastard I despise so much

Would you see me the same
If you knew what I did
If you knew I was a whore
All to forget about you

I love you so much
So much that it hurts
Can’t you see
I’m falling apart

No one can replace you
I feel emptiness inside
A mess of dirt and filth
Used and broken

All I want is
A hug from you
As I cry and you say
Everything is going to be alright

Derek Webb - Wedding Dress

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’ll ever need
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

(chorus)
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

(chorus)

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

http://www.myspace.com/derekwebb

Constellations

I know everything is alright with me when I can listen to Jack Johnson and feel relaxed/mellow without any hint of sadness, longing or regret.

The light was leaving
in the west it was blue
The children's laughter sang
and skipping just like the stones they threw
the voices echoed across the waves
its getting late

It was just another night
with the sun set
and the moon rise not so far behind
to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to papas translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

The west winds often last too long
the wind may calm down
nothing ever feels the same
Sheltered under the Kamani tree
waiting for the passing rain
clouds keep moving to uncover the scene
stars above us are chasing the day away
to find the stories that we sometimes need
Listen close enough
all else fades
fades away

It was just another night
with the sun set
and the moon rise not so far behind
to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to all the translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

Combustion

So I'm a Christian, but then again, there are times that I don't feel like I'm one, let alone want to be one simply because I don't want to be a hypocrite. But tell me, how does one control anger that is on the verge of becoming rage? I know I'm not a particularly patient person, especially when it comes to issues that are my pet peeves.

Like this morning, I got this message from someone trying to very obviously dig out information from me that has absolutely got nothing to do with them whatsoever. Like hello?! What is your problem? Leave it be! You don't need to know that, let alone have any opinion on it. It's my bloody life and I can do whatever I want without your concern let alone consent.

And then, my professor assigned us this assignment that seems impossible to do. Imagine...I spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to do it and I have no freaking idea on how it should work. Everything I tried has failed! I even asked my classmates and they don't even know how to do it. To make matters more interesting, it's due tomorrow. I think I might have to skip work just to try and finish the damned thing. It does not help that I'm kinda broke and I need the money!

Then, there is this boy who is driving me crazy. Everything that I do seems to be pushing him further and further away from me. Talking doesn't help and when I try to be nice, it somehow backfires on me. What the hell should I do? I have given up hope. All I want to do is to beat the crap and yell my lungs out at him in his face.

I feel calmer but then again, I feel the anger buried somewhere inside of me. Its capped down tightly but its struggling to get free. Anything might just set it off...anything...


"Pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and its people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn..."

Picture

Photographs and videos
Long forgotten memories
Of how things used to be
Between you and me

The day I made steak
And had too much wine
How you teased me
About being drunk

I said I wasn’t and
You laughed and told me
“That’s what they all say”
But asked me if I was okay

I remember snuggling under your covers
While you sat at your desk; studying
I was surprised that you didn’t mind
I will always remember the smell of the sheets

I still have that picture of you
Puffing your cheeks
And that video that you took
Of me when I didn’t see, on my cell phone

Things were uncomplicated then
When you still laughed with me
And at me, teasing me
Saying how much I’m spoilt

Times have changed
Maybe because of me
Maybe because of you
We only argue and fight

Wish we were still good friends
When we had random conversations
Now there is nothing to say
I miss those times, that part of you

Fall Conference '07, Kansas City

I went to the InterVarsity Central Region Fall Conference this weekend at Kansas City, about 3 hours away from Des Moines. It started out as a respite/getaway to my hectic week so I wasn't really expecting much to happen. I was wrong! The first night itself, I was blown away and convicted by the message that Tom Lin spoke to us. He talked about how we need to put God first in our lives instead of our careers, relationships and comfort. I have been struggling with this aspect in my life for the past few weeks and it was a confirmation of what God wants me to do for Him. I admit that it has not been easy, to give up control of your life and the desires of your heart in obedience to Him. But, it's all for our good because He has bigger and better things in store for us. All we have to do is to have faith and trust in Him.

We also had smaller sessions and I actually signed up for the session on Prayer but I got bumped into the session on Evangelism and I admit that when I first found out, I was disappointed and thought it was going to be another boring session of how to witness to people. Again I was wrong! One of the exercises is for us to draw a concept map of all the networks of people that we're connected to. I was in a triad consisting of this guy I've met at Catalyst over the summer from Wash U and this other girl from Coe College and after we completed drawing out maps, I realized that mine was so much wider and bigger than theirs. I was so connected to people and all this while, I didn't realize it and I didn't use the many opportunities I had to bless them. I felt once again so convicted that I had all these opportunities that I didn't use and I don't think I was put into that session on accident.

Also as Christians, we tend to sanitize the word of God. We don't see the whole story as it was meant to be told. When Paul wrote to the church in Colosse, he was writing in thanksgiving to the church of Gentiles. When I think of Gentiles, I was like...oh...they were just non-Jewish people. But in fact, they were the outcasts of society. The thieves, adulterers, homosexuals, murders, sorcerers..etc. that no one wanted to associate with. This guy, Dr. Franklin I think really impacted all of us that were there at the conference. It shows how much we stereotype people and how we don't bother making the effort to love and care for everybody just the way they are.

My point here is that we can get so caught up in our problems that we fail to see the bigger picture, the plans that He has for us and all the things that He wants us to do for him. We just end up being mediocre Christians, trying to solve the problems in our lives instead of doing what we're supposed to do...to serve and love others. We are called to do two things in life, to love God and love people. That's all there is. So this conference was a wake up call for me, to see that there are people out there, just like me, going through the exact same problems and feeling broken and the best thing about it is that we can encourage and spur each other on in the race.

I'm very glad that I went, despite the many issues that cropped up that seemed discouraging at first. I just got back and although I'm physically and mentally tired from the trip, something has definitely changed inside of me, and it's good.

Wrong Number!

One pet peeve I have about the US is the tons of automated phone calls one gets. I have been receiving phone calls for various people and most of them are automated. It annoys the hell out of me because I can't say, "Oi, stop calling me because I'm not that friggin' person!". I have been receiving this same call for one "George Clint" for oh, I don't know...a month already and I have no idea how to tell them to stop annoying me.

Just now, I received one and the left a number for me to callback. I immediately hung up on the automated message and dialed the number. I was so ready to yell at the stupid company for sending all these automated calls with no option of saying that "There is no such person". The guy who answered my call probably got a little bite out of me because it is so annoying to get the same call maybe 3 times a week looking for some non-existent person! I told the person quite curtly that there is no such person so please stop the damned calls.

Another one would be some medical office calling for this lady and leaving a message etc etc and first of all, I thought it was me but when I replayed the message, it turned out it wasn't. I was so mad. Stupid automated calling systems! Heck, why can't they get the number right? Not to mention, the cellphone companies recycle numbers and these people don't bother to update their contact info leaving others to deal with their personal calls.

The other day, I was woken up at like 7.15am in the morning by the sound of my ringing phone. I was deeply asleep so when I woke up to pick up my phone from the desk, I fell off my bed! To make matters more annoying...I answered the call and it was a wrong number! >:( I crawled back to bed and as soon as I got in, the phone rang again. It was the same lady looking for that person! Gah! If I wasn't half asleep, I think I would've been very rude to the lady. Heck, who would make phone calls at 7.15am? I slept late the previous night and had to wake up for class at 8am so I was really counting on getting as much sleep as I can.

I hope I don't get anymore annoying automated and wrong number calls. I'm so fed up!

Californian Craving

I think I've not gotten over California yet. I love that place. Was bored so I decided to listen to KROQ online and it brought back such awesome memories of the summer vacation I had in LA. I remembered we listened to KROQ most of the time while we were driving around in LA, getting lost at times and oh boy, I wish I was back there right now.

Nothing beats California. The beaches, the places, the people, the atmosphere! I wish there was as much diversity here in Des Moines but unfortunately not. I remember the Chinese food we had in LA at Chinatown one evening on the way back from a day at Santa Monica. The food was so delicious that I think we all died and went to Chinese food heaven for a little while. I still remember that I had sand in my pants from the beach.

I love the Latino and Asian culture that is so abundant in LA and all the little pockets of ethnic housing areas. All the wonderful Korean, Japanese, Filipino and Latina people that is very much lacking here in Des Moines. Oh, not to mention the traffic jams that remind me so much of home!

I think all in all, I'm a city girl at heart. No matter now many people think that Klang is "ulu", I don't think it is. I'm just as cosmopolitan as anyone from KL or PJ but with a little more attachment to home. You can take the girl out of the city but you cannot take the city out of the girl. Not out of this girl anyway...

Bonfire

So, it has been another rather boring and quiet day of studying after yesterday's hectic schedule. I was out the whole of yesterday, since 7.30am until 2.00am this morning. I finally went to the DMV to get my driving permit and yaaay (!) I passed the written test. So I now have an offical state issued ID which makes things so much easier when I'm required to show a proper ID. After that, I rushed off to work and after work, went to Walmart and after Walmart, I had to attend a Bible Study. Then I went for dinner...and after dinner, I went to a bonfire with IV people and that was so much fun.


The weather has been getting colder and it was rather cold last night so it was nice to warm ourselves by the fire while we made smores. The downside to that is that I ended up smelling like smoke...even worse than if one went to the club. We got back and surprised my roommate...it was her birthday! After that quick party, I went to my friend's place to hang out and tottered back to my room and collapsed on my bed at 2am. Hmm...I just realized I've been out 3 consecutive Friday nights! XD I'll be heading off to Kansas City next Friday to attend a conference. I can't wait for that!

I am waiting for my laundry to get done and I was reading my friend's blog and she's been having another episode of random strangers terrorizing her blog. I wish these people would get a life! Why in the world would you want to randomly post catty and scathing comments on some stranger's blog right? Unless, you have absolutely nothing else to do which means you have no life etc etc. It just annoys the hell out of me and as much as I want to do something about it, I can only do so much. So girl, hang in there...they will get what is coming to them!

Cannonball - Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..

Stones taught me to fly
And love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Regret

There are days
When wanting to see you
Hurts more than I ever imagined

When all I want
Is to just hang out with you
And laugh like we used to

I can’t help but feel
That this is my fault
How things are no longer the same

It’s stupid, I’m stupid
How I tried to push you away
To make my selfish self feel better

You deserve better
Maybe I should just stay away
I hate to hurt you

There isn’t a day that goes by
That I don’t think of you
But I think I’ll be alright

The (Sometimes...) Party Girl

I realized today that I made the right decision of taking only 4 classes this semester but those 4 classes add up to 15 credit hours. If I'm not doing my homework, I'm working. When I'm not doing any of those things, I'm organizing something and when I'm not doing that, I'm out partying. XD

I was out last Friday night and the Friday before that. It's nice to have something to look forward to during the weekends. I attended two housewarming parties and the ISA Welcome Back Party. One of my friends just moved off campus and they threw a party at their huge place and invited all the Malaysian students so the place was jammed packed.

I finally got the chance to have at least a decent conversation with this guy I know. He's a grad student from Kazakhstan and I met him for the very first time when he picked me up from the airport. Whenever I see him on campus, it's like a "Hi" and "Bye" thing which kinda sucks because despite the fact that I've known him for 9 months already, I don't know very much about him. And no, he does not talk like Borat but he being good-natured, he thinks it's a funny movie anyways.


I think it's just a temporary phase until everything and everyone else settles down into their regular routine. I've never seen myself as a party kind of person but recently, I've been enjoying myself just hanging out and talking with my friends. Also, parties are a great way to meet friends that you don't get to see a lot of the time.

Are you the kind of person who needs glasses to see? Well, I for one fall into that category. However, I don't know why people can't recognize me at times without my glasses. Especially Americans. I like to think that I look better and so far, I think, very few of my classmates have ever seen me without them.

I've been getting along fine with my classmates despite my earlier fears about going through classes like how I did last semester. Now, I even have consistent lab partners and even a homework group. It's nice to be able to discuss homework and stuff when you don't know how to do those questions.

We went to this old couple's house on Sunday for dinner and myself and another person went earlier to help with the preparations for dinner. It's so comforting to have home-cooked food and warm fellowship with these old couple that remind me so much of my adopted Aussie grandparents, Tom and Lois. This time, there were only about 14 of us there and out of that number, five of us were the only seniors.


I'm afraid to think of how many more people will attend the next few suppers because right now, we have over 100 Malaysian students here at Drake. :O

The Ballad Of...

There are 8 billion people in this world
8 billion lives are changing
Never felt so alone

Would you consider me inspite of this?
I'm always the one who loses
Would you make me better?

How, how, how will we make this work?
Why do you have to be so far?
It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever

That look is all I need to get by
Like living in some illusion
I never felt so alive

I know that there will be flaws around us
The silly wars that we'll be fighting
Yes, I'll be fighting

How, how, how will we make this work?
Why do you have to be so far?
It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever

It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever
Into forever now
I'll be the one who holds you dear

There are 8 billion people in this world
8 billions live are changing
And you're the one I need.

Ecology 101

Who would've thunk(!), least of all persons, me...that I would be tramping through grass as tall as I am. I have no regrets whatsoever for taking Ecology Lab this semester. The best part of the lab classes are that they're held outdoors. Today, my class along with my professor and two student assistants went to the Chichaqua Bottoms Greenbelt about a 30 minute drive away from Des Moines.

We were taught various techniques used in studies to collect specimens for sampling such as "I forgot the name" fencing, telemetry which is basically radio tracking and utilizing snake boards. Throughout the lab session, we managed to track down a Painted Box Turtle, several garter snakes and tons of frogs. It was fun to handle the turtle and snake, though garter snakes tend to secrete musk as a defense mechanism. I got some all over my hand but I washed it off on the way back at the gas station.

It's funny to see how some guys, though macho looking were afraid to handle the really small and non-venomous snakes. Haha! I beat them to it. However, all the tramping in the prairie did seem like fun in the first 45 minutes but after that, it got to be really tiring and hot. The temperature outdoors was about 92F which is about 32C I think. Imagine standing out in the open for about 2.5 hours. By the end of the lab session, I was about to collapse from the heat and from exhaustion. I'm still sooo...tired from the trip, I think everyone was.

On the way back, we had to stop for gas and our Professor felt a little bad for keeping us for over an hour after our lab period had supposedly ended that he decided to buy all of us drinks at the gas station. That was really not neccessary but it was a very nice thing for him to do. It's no wonder I love all my Biology and Environmental Science professors. Next week we'll be heading down to a stream/river to collect fish specimens to study. I think I want to get into waders already!

My Home For The Year

This is how the room looks like when you walk in the door. Being a typical girls room, expect to see clothes everywhere.


This is my side of the room. We're supposed to get a couch that would fit in front of my desk, facing the TV. Currently figuring out how to get the couch from someone's garage to our place. The TV belongs to my roommate, she's pretty addicted to it.

Storage solutions underneath the bunked beds. Guess which one is mine? I'm the neater person by the way.

My "Wandering Jew" that did not get smashed. I brought it back from the apartment and now it sits on my window sill. I like having plants in the room. Might spring for another one.

My latest acquisition. The whole system (tank, decor, plants, fish, water treatment) cost me about $75. I think all this while, living away from home kinda made me miss my pets and the plants back in our house. Having these around is in some way, kinda soothing and enjoyable at the same time.

The little blue streaked stars of my aquarium. I currently am the proud owner of 7 neon tetras. I might get more fish later on because the tank is rather big for 7 little fish. And to all skeptics out there, no they will not die!

Do you...?

Tried
Still trying
Maybe failing

Two guys at a party
Conversation
Through the night

Trying to get
Over you
I want to

You were there
But you left
For the better

Your indifference
Took it in stride
Despite my pride

Saw you again
Today
I made dinner

Loved it
You told me so
Tell me something else

What I want
To hear
Do you…?