Ventura, IA

Things That Make You Laugh

Life is so full of drama and I really thank God for good friends. I haven't talked to this friend of mine for a while now because I guess we both were busy with studies and stuff but I underestimated him. He knows more than he shows and what I appreciate about that is that I know I can trust him. He even knew about the drama that happened and already had premonitions about it but he never talked to me. He talked to the other party about it instead which at first, I thought was kind of unfair but now I'm glad he did it anyway.

I stopped by today to scan some documents and I just hung out with him for a while. It felt good to be able to talk about stuff. He went down to Chicago for Thanksgiving and just got back today so it was fun to be able to trade stories about our trips. I'm glad to have another guy friend I know I can rely on and joke around with. We were having this conversation about the whole drama and he told me he knew my secret and gave me this sly smile. Before we could say another word, the subject matter of the secret walked in.

I hate it when people are able to read me so easily. I try to avoid that as much as possible but then again, sometimes it isn't such a bad thing. All the while when I was walking back to my room, I couldn't help but laugh out loud to myself.

Gossip = Disaster

If I could choose to have a super power, right now...I would wish that I could control the minds of people; their thoughts. Recently, things have been a little crazy for me as I try and figure out what is going on with some of the friendships I have with people. I confess that I am guilty of gossiping and speculating about other people and now I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It sucks. People have been asking and speculating about my friendship with this guy friend of mine because we just hang out a lot and I find it so awkward when I have to answer or fend off questions from people. I hate that feeling because we get kind of awkward about the subject and not talk about it.

The worst part is that I feel that the person that I actually like is feeling a little pang of something I'm not quite sure of because things between us have been different. I don't want him to think that there is something going on with my friend and I when in fact, I like him. It pains me everytime when I see him acting all weird about it and then I feel like telling him the truth. But I can't. If he only knew how I feel. If I only knew how to stop feeling this way. But I don't.

To make matters more interesting, I have a feeling that this guy I recently met not too long ago has feelings for me. I might be totally right or totally wrong with this. The stupid thing is that I feel he has been avoiding me and when I was talking to him the other day, he told me indirectly that he doesn't want to get hurt because he has feelings for this girl so he avoids her. I'm pretty sure that gossip has reached him and this is why I am so mad! I can't even be friends with him because of what people say. I think I need a shrink...

Or So I Thought...

After being plagued by the feeling of awkwardness for 24 hours, I decided I had enough and I went and had a long conversation with my friend Sam. We decided that it would be stupid to not be friends over this matter and even if we still stayed friends, people would talk anyway. That was the basic gist of our conversation but then, I thought everything would be okay and things would resume as usual.

I guess I was wrong because now, it feels that the both of us are trying to accomodate to her feelings, be it rational or not. It's like we're doing our best (him more than me) to ensure that she doesn't turn psycho again. I am mad at myself, at him and mostly at her. Although she came over the morning after the incident to apologize and talk, I still feel that what she did is totally unfair to both myself and especially Sam. I feel like Sam and I are treading on thin ice around her...to make sure that we're not seen together too often by her or by her friends. What rationale is there in that??

I don't get it either because I feel that it is incredibly unfair to compromise our friendship just to "jaga her hati". Honestly, he has no such obligation towards her because they're no longer seeing each other and he can be friends with whoever he pleases without needing her consent. So what? Now she's feeling better about herself but then, at whose expense this time? Mine...and I don't think I'm willing to let it go that way.

Korean Ecuardorian Chinese Malaysian Emo Soap Opera Drama Telenovela

My roomie and I were about to leave our room to go out partying at 1am when we hear this commotion at our door. This Chinese girl who is a mutual friend of our rushes in and locks herself in our room and starts talking. Then I hear crying and wailing outside the door asking her to stop talking. My worst fears came true last night. My friend's ex-gf went emo on all of us. It didn't help that he was hanging out with us. Writing about it is too painful but it ended up with my roomie and I, the Chinese girl and her friend camping outside my room door while those two argued and talked about their "relationship" in my room. I didn't get to bed until almost 4am and I did not go partying.

I think I was feeling rather annoyed and victimized by the whole situation because somehow, it was implied that I was the cause of it. I woke up this morning and I was feeling no better. It didn't help that my friend apologized to me...and only to me directly in front of the whole drama crew. I felt like shit after that. Pissed definitely and shitty. The ex-gf who happens to be a friend of mine came over this morning to apologize to me and my roomie. I honestly didn't want to talk to her but I did. I guess things are better now but it's already feeling awkward between us, even more so with my friend.

I don't know what to feel at the moment. I hate it when nonsense like this happens but then again, it was my fault I suppose for wishing more interesting things to happen in my life. This was more than I bargained for. I am left wondering how should I behave...should I keep away or carry on like nothing happened. I don't know and not knowing sucks.

Double The Fun!

I am still celebrating my birthday, since yesterday and it feels awesome! So my roomie and my friend Sam planned a surprise party for me, complete with streamers, balloons, cake and friends. I wasn't expecting anything much and was looking at a quiet birthday but I guess I was wrong. Heh. This is a perfect example of when being wrong is a good thing. It was fun to have most of my friends celebrate my birthday with me but the room was too small to invite any more people and I think some of my other friends we're rather disappointed that they weren't invited but I didn't do the inviting. If I had my way, there would've been more people around.


So this was what I came back to. Streamers and balloons everywhere. Cleaning up wasn't too bad because we had help removing the stuff from the ceilings. I wasn't tall enough for the job.




My friend Steph made the cake and I wasn't spared. I had cake on my face later when my friend Sam decided that I needed to complete the "Ecuadorian Birthday Tradition" of eating cake with my hands behind my back. I kinda knew what was coming so it wasn't so bad. At least I didn't get frosting in my hair.


Nothing like celebrating your birthday with your friends. I love you guys!



My friend Harold who came a lil late to the party but he helped us clean up.


My biggest surprise for the day, a dozen red roses that was delivered to me. When I got a call from the front desk saying that I had flowers to pick up, I thought it was a prank. But I went down anyways and came back with these. Even the RA (who happens to be cute) asked me if I had any idea who they were from. I told him I honestly didn't. Surprise surprise! They we're from my ex-roomie Belinda. I think that was one of the most extravagant gestures I've experienced in a while. Might be going out in a lil bit to party again. What more could a girl want for her birthday eh?

Blank Park Zoo

Well, it has been a while since I went out to do anything fun. The last time was when I had to go to Saylorville Dam to finish a lab and ever since then, I've been bored to death. Today was a treat! For my Ecology class, we went to the zoo to study animal behavior and it was a cold and windy day so there was hardly anyone there. I enjoyed walking around by myself and looking at the animals and stuff.

It felt good to be outdoors after spending so much time being cooped indoors and forced to study/work. I ended up studying the behaviors of flamingoes and marmosets. I wish I had my dog with me. I miss playing with animals and while I was at the zoo, there was this duck that was following me around, hoping that I would have some food on me. I think I would enjoy working at a zoo or outdoors which is precisely why I chose my major. Nothing like it! :)

Also, I'm feeling better because my tests are over! For now anyway, but I'll try and enjoy myself while that lasts. There's this really good movie "Bella", showing at the theatre near Drake and I want to to and watch it. Probably not tonight as IV is on but maybe tomorrow night if I can find someone to go with me. Or I might just go by myself.

Tagged by Hannah

5 things in my bag:
- ticket stubs
- iPod
- pen
- purse
- cellphone

5 things in my purse:
- money
- checkbook
- credit/debit cards
- receipts
- ID

5 favourite things in my bedroom:
- fishtank
- notice board
- laptop
- couch
- my drawers

5 things I wish to do :
- stop studying
- win the lottery
- eat lots of Malaysian food
- sleep
- go on a permanent all expense paid vacation

5 things I’m doing now :
- studying
- blogging
- listening to Third Eye Blind
- received 2 phone calls
- thinking about dinner

5 people I would like to tag:
- no one really :)

Update

I haven't blogged for a while because I guess nothing much was going on and I was really stressed from my classes. I had so much to do and I was so drained, both physically and emotionally that I didn't feel like doing anything else but sleep. i just got 2 tests over with and you know that feeling when you don't feel like you can never study enough for a class? That was exactly how I felt and that sucked. But anyhow, I'm glad that I have a little room to breathe now.

I've been feeling rather dead inside I suppose. Spiritually and emotionally and it isn't a good feeling because I can't help but feel that there is nothing more to life. I guess I lost myself somewhere and I need to find it again. I know I'll be coming home in a few weeks but now, I wish it was sooner. I think I need to get back to my roots - my country, family and friends.

Recently, things seem to be improving with him although I decided to let it go. Previously, even our friendship seemed strained but now, I think something changed, either in him or in me and we seem to get along better than usual which is nice for once. I hate to have to struggle at maintaining a friendship that I don't want to lose. I hope things will get better soon from now on.

Mat Kearney - Nothing Left To Lose