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How come is it that when summer comes along, I find myself working hard and earning more than I usually do but finding myself still kinda broke.

I mean, it's not like I'm near the poverty line (to some it might seem so...) but it seems like I just make enough to cover my expenses with little or none left over. So I checked my expenses to see what in the world I spent my money on. There were a few shopping expenses but a single bill never exceeded $30 and my clothes were always less than $10 per item. The rest of my money went to pay for food.

Now I am wondering on how to cut down on my expenses but so far, I deem most of the stuff I get as neccessary. I needed some clothes for the summer and I bought some on sale. Food is neccessary (of course!). So what in the world do I cut down on? Living?

I guess its just annoying when you have to keep worrying about how much you spend when you don't really spend that much. Plus, I do not want to ask my parents for money, haven't done that in a year. It also sucks when you find yourself slaving away at your job...working up to 55 hrs a week with nothing to show for the time being.

Wtf.

Dress Shopping

Maybe its just another trait of being Asian but usually, I have no issues with fitting into American sizes 0, 2 or XS when it comes to buying regular clothes like tops or pants. However, when it comes to buying dresses, that's a totally different story. I find it almost impossible to find a decent dress over here that I can fit into...they are usually too large for me. It gets frustrating at times because out of lets say, 20 dresses that I try on, I only find 1 that would fit well. It bothers me somewhat but not enough to piss the crap out of me.

Today was an exception. I have had been looking for a dress to wear for the past 2 months to my friend's wedding this Saturday and I have found nothing. So today, I went shopping with Grace and we walked into this high end store - Ann Taylor and I didn't expect to find anything nice that would be reasonably priced. In the corner of the sale rack, I spotted this white dress with a floral pattern and checked the size, it was a Size 0. My heart skipped a beat. I fumbled for the price tag, it was only $20 from $148.

I grabbed the dress and ran to the dressing room to put it on. The moment I slipped it on, my heart sank...it was too big! How is that possible?!! I wanted to swear like a pirate and I couldn't bring myself to put it back. I almost bought it with hopes of getting it altered but I figured it woule be a pain to alter it due to its design. I put it back on the rack and walked out of the store without looking back.

As I left the store, I felt like exploding. I felt like I was being punished for being too "skinny". I mean, its not like I starve myself or I don't eat...heck, anyone who knows me know how much I am capable of eating. For the next hour, I could not remember a time when I wished so much to be fatter. I think its the friggin' store that has false sizing (one size down) to allow their customers to feel better about themselves...so what? That they can eat more and go up a dress size and not feel bad about it?

I found myself wondering if I was going to be doomed to wear junior's sizes the rest of my life. I found myself questioning my body even though time and time again, people have complimented me. What should I believe? It is hard to believe in what you think you should especially if everything else tells you otherwise.

<3

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

And I'm tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

Summer...Yay?

School's out but that does not mean I get a lull in my regular routine. In fact, my routine now is even worse than before school was done. I've had to wake up earlier than when I had classes just to go to work which is really ironic.

Yesterday, I went to the field for the first time to do bird surveys and we had to leave at 6am. If it didn't pay that well and if I didn't need the money and experience, I would have thought twice about accepting that job offer just because it robs me of my sleep!

Today is my first day on the job working as Conference Assistant again. I had the 8am shift and last night, I was trying to go to bed as early as I can but woke up because my room mate decided to pack her things at 2 in the morning. The sound of packing tape has never been so annoying in my entire life!

So I was walking half asleep to work and when I got here, everything was buzzing. The RAs were trying to kick people out as soon as possible because other people have to check in. They were actually going to use security to try and escort people out as fast as they can. In addition to that, one of the janitors fell down and hit her head and had to be taken to the hospital in a stretcher.

Plus, I'll have to look for an apartment over the summer for next year as I plan to move out. My current room in Crawford will most likely be used as a storage facility as my roomie is planning on dumping her stuff in my room. I have no idea how I am going to move the couch and bed and crap.

I hope all this drama, stress and hassle is only temporary or else...this summer will be a horribly tiring one.

Growing Pains

I am finally done with the semester! It was a great learning experience for me albeit the occasional drama that comes my way. At the moment, I found my niche. I've grown, learned, forgave, loved and let go.

We all go through stages of growth and experience growing pains. I think I've neared the end of that part of my life; knowing that this will help me get through the next stage. Finding the strength that I never knew I had to get through challenges and issues that cropped up. Being indepedent, making decisions and learning from mistakes.

Realizing who were my real friends; those who stuck by me and accepted me just the way I am. Learning how to be a good friend in return; to comfort and be comforted.

We all need that.

Cowles Camp-out

I seem to be spending the last few days of my week at school camping out at the library. Even the library is open 24 hours starting today and a whole bunch of us are camped out here, into the wee hours of the morning...studying our butts off. Wouldn't you like to be in my shoes, cramming for my 4 exams tomorrow and I started studying last week.

To make matters more interesting, I'm going on a mandatory camping trip this Friday and Saturday meaning that my study times are cut short. I have 3 final exams to sit for; one of which is cumulative and one 20 page paper to write which I have not started yet. This breaks down into 2 exams on Monday - non-cumulative and the paper and cumulative exam on Tuesday. Sounds horrible? Yeap...you know it. I think I'll be close to zombified by then.

The good news is that I'll be done on Tuesday which is 3 whole days earlier than the rest of my friends. I'll use them to pack up my stuff in preparation for moving out. College life is crazy...even more so if you're a senior...which I am. But anyhow, in spite of all this craziness...I would miss school when I graduate, I really would.

Ahh...Spring!

I know I probably say this again and again but I love Spring! It is probably my favorite time of year and this year in Iowa, Spring was probably longer than it usually is. There is nothing and I mean....absolutely nothing that beats walking underneath trees that have flowers weighing down their branches, walking along flower strewn paths, stopping to smell the tulips and hyacinth and lying down on the grass on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

It's a season for regrowth, for the old to die away and for the new to come up. For things to blossom and grow literally and figuratively speaking. I never realized how hard it is to be a relationship, I mean...I know its no walk in the park but then again, just to realize the magnitude of the time and energy invested into that special someone. To want to make things work. I find myself doubting at times if we are right for each other but then again, I find myself proven wrong again and again.

Knowing that we bring out the best and...the worst in each other but in a good way. We both have our faults and skeletons; we're still rough on the edges. The issues that crop up brings up the friction that we need to smooth out our rough edges, helping make us better people. Finding that we both have skeletons in our closests, the ones that we're trying to forget and get rid of, knowing that we can't do it by ourselves. Realizing that's why were here for each other.

You also know its Spring when you're walking down the street and a carload of guys drive by, honking at you. :P

So-called Commitment

I found myself being one of the very many to know that my ex-flame went from being single into a relationship. If it wasn't for my friend who told me, I probably would have found out in a couple of days time. I guess things happen for a reason...its not like we talk anymore and I think I prefer things to go this way.

It still hurts sometimes when I see him now but then again, I don't think I would be helping myself get over it if I keep going on like this. What he did to me wasn't right but that doesn't discount him from being a human being. He is entitled to relationships as well but what we had was probably something other than that.

So I guess this is it then, life goes on for the both of us.