John Mayer - Split Screen Sadness

And I don’t know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wonderin' when the call comes
Where you say it’s alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch ‘till you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame At the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called
because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Oh and the sadness
It's alright, it's alright
Oh and the sadness
It's alright, it's alright
Oh and the sadness
It's alright, it's alright

My Monkey Says....

If you think you can nag me more than my mum does, think again.

Don't use the excuse that you're stressed or you worry for me etc. because although I worry for you and I don't nag you to death.

I think you're old enough to think for yourself. So please, return the favor...I don't need to be treated like a 5 year old.

And as for telling you off...that's for not respecting my decisions.

Don't whine to me because you're not going to get an apology nor sympathy.

...talk to the hand!

Something's Missing - John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

Today

Even though I find myself pulling out my hairs every time I read the local Malaysian news, I cannot help but admit that it entertains me. It's one whole big drama that goes on in parliament and one can only shake their head in disbelief when reading about the antics of politicians. True, their antics can be likened to that of "monkeys" with no sense of decency or etiquette. In spite of all this, it is comforting to know that Malaysian citizens are sick and tired of all the nonsense that seem to be splashed across the news headlines every other day. People are starting to grumble and voice out their complaints and the government better take heed else there will be uprisings later on if the situation gets worse.

On a lighter note (maybe..), I will hopefully be moving for the last time this year to my new house. Yeap, you heard it...its a house and it will be nice to finally be able to sleep in my own room. I miss having that as I've had to sleep with earplugs ever since I got here. I'll be doing a whole load of packing today after I get off my job and hopefully I'll be able to finish packing by tonight so that I can move everything by tomorrow. I need to do laundry as well. Sigh...so many things to do. But it'll be worth it! I'll be posting updates and pictures soon.

Easy - The Commodores

Know it sounds funny
But I just can't stand the pain
Girl I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed

Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

Why in the world
Would anybody put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it
Everbody wants me to be
What they want me to be
I'm not happy when I try to fake it!
No!

Ooh,that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

I wanna be high, so high
I wanna be free to know
The things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me, babe!

That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning

Growing Pains

I am finally done with the semester! It was a great learning experience for me albeit the occasional drama that comes my way. At the moment, I found my niche. I've grown, learned, forgave, loved and let go.

We all go through stages of growth and experience growing pains. I think I've neared the end of that part of my life; knowing that this will help me get through the next stage. Finding the strength that I never knew I had to get through challenges and issues that cropped up. Being indepedent, making decisions and learning from mistakes.

Realizing who were my real friends; those who stuck by me and accepted me just the way I am. Learning how to be a good friend in return; to comfort and be comforted.

We all need that.

So-called Commitment

I found myself being one of the very many to know that my ex-flame went from being single into a relationship. If it wasn't for my friend who told me, I probably would have found out in a couple of days time. I guess things happen for a reason...its not like we talk anymore and I think I prefer things to go this way.

It still hurts sometimes when I see him now but then again, I don't think I would be helping myself get over it if I keep going on like this. What he did to me wasn't right but that doesn't discount him from being a human being. He is entitled to relationships as well but what we had was probably something other than that.

So I guess this is it then, life goes on for the both of us.

Love VS. Lust (SG 2)

Please bear with me, this is a long post but one worth reading...I promise!

Been going through that book for the past 2 weeks...Sex God by Rob Bell. If I could, I would make it mandatory for everyone in the world to read it. It's so amazing how he puts issues that we have so many questions about out there in the context of honest and God-centered answers. I've learnt more from reading this book than I have through experiences that I've been through, or experiences that my friends have been through, or from movies or even my parents.

It is so easy to confuse lust with love in the world today because we are constantly bombarded with images, music and literature from the media labelling lust as "love". But then again, lust is not just about physical things like sex which is usually what we associate it with. Lust is something that we crave after so much that it occupies our minds even when we're not even thinking about it, that we're willing to do anything or give up anything to get it. It permeates our being subconsciously and we might not even realize it. So one can lust after money, food, success or even shoes. (Btw, I am referring to myself here and I am repenting!)

Unlike lust which is trying to get something all the time, love is the opposite...its about giving unconditionally. It's about putting your heart out there; of giving it to someone and taking the chance that they might not want it and having it given back to you. Love is about giving up power. When you give someone your love, they can choose to accept it or reject it and there is nothing that you can do about it. "Love is giving up control. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all the desires within us to manipulate the relationship." (Rob Bell, pg 98)

Love is about getting naked. Exposing your inner most being; your hopes, thoughts, fears, future...dreams. It's about putting yourself out there and being vunerable. That's why it hurts so much when relationships end. It's because you've given so much of yourself and having to take it back. But at the same time, you don't get your heart back the same way you gave it out. It always comes back lacking some part of it.

Incomplete.

"It's so easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone letting them into your sprit...that is being naked. Racing ahead of progession always costs something. When there is no common mission, no shared task, no sense of bone of bone and flesh of flesh, no bonds that take years to develop, many end up moving from relationship to relationship, having sex but never really being naked." (Rob Bell, pg 156-157)

That's why those who have loved much, hurt much. I have experienced hurt that I never thought was possible...almost to an extent that it was crippling. Yes it was hurtful emotionally but it hurt so much that I actually felt an ache in my chest. That pang in your chest when you happen to meet the person by chance and he/she does not even acknowledge you when they see you. The questions that race through your mind, "What did I do wrong?"..."How could he?". The hurt that comes next...the feeling of being used. And the finally the anger that could make or break a person.

It's so easy to turn into this cynical person who refuses to believe in love or even take another chance because your heart has been broken on more than one occasion. This is exactly how Jesus felt. The pain that He went through in dying on the cross for our sin when people clearly rejected Him. People still reject Him but the amazing thing is that He still loves us.

Unconditionally.

That is what love is supposed to be. Unconditional. Loving someone as they are...in spite of their shortcomings. Accepting them they way they are, like how Jesus accepted us.

This last part is an excerpt from Chapter 8, page 154. Something to think about.

Is that where the phrase "making love" comes from? An awareness that something mystical happens in sex, that something good and needed is created? Something is added to the world, given to the world. The world is blessed with something that it desperately needs. This man and this woman together are in some profoundly mysterious way good for the well-being of the whole world.

When we go to a wedding, maybe we're so moved because we want this new couple to succeed. We intuitively know that their "success" is somehow tied to ours. Their making of love makes the world a better place to live, a place where there is more love for all of us. Maybe this is why we always notice great marriages. When their love is growing, it inspires us. Their life together gives us life.

A wedding reminds us that it's all connected.

We're all connected.

Information Overload

Sometimes I think I'm "cursed" with having a brain that thinks and processes too much. Decisions that others might find easy end up boggling my mind. I end up analyzing "What if(s)...." This is when I envy people who do not think or are unable to think. I already know what I should do but at the same time, I don't want to do it!

Some would say, "Don't think about it, just go with the flow" or "Take a chance". However, I feel that some mistakes that arise from possible foolish behavior that could be avoided...SHOULD be avoided! Some lessons are too painful to learn on your own. It is good to be constantly considerate, thoughtful and blatantly honest but sometimes, I feel like its killing me.

What do we do now?

*edit
My answer: Nothing under the table. The chances of getting caught is too high. :P

You Are Worth Dying For (SG 1)

These were the words that jumped out to me when I read an excerpt from Chapter 6 of the book "Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality" by Rob Bell. Despite how dodgy or kinky the title might sound, the whole book is about how God made us the way we were and His plans for love. Love and relationships consist of 3 parts; friendship, commitment and the physical expression of love.

The craziest thing is that we so often see people in relationships that are incomplete as they lack one or more of the elements. Talk about going out for all the wrong reasons. Been there, done that...regretted like hell. It was partially my fault as well; for not knowing who I was or what I am worth. I only attended the study for the first week and I am honestly looking forward to the other sessions.

There have been so many questions in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember and they have yet to be answered until now. Growing up in a conservative Asian-culture based society didn't help either as the subject was considered taboo. Any education I got regarding the subject was mostly word of mouth from friends and from where else...the TV and media. All I heard from growing up in church was that it was not good and hence, don't do it...no more questions! Never did it say what it was in the context of the situation or what it really meant.

We all want to be loved in some way or the other and some of us are willing to do anything to obtain that type of "love"...the feeling of being wanted.
"Some women only know how to relate to men by making a series of transactions. They want to be wanted, and the man wants, well, the man wants what lots of men want. So they trade. Essentially they strike a deal with men, time and time again." (pg 123)

The part that hit home most was....
" You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued (by God...and by your friends!). You're good enough exactly as you are...You are worth dying for. Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator." (pg 123-124)

Bingo!

....will be continued

Shenanigans!

So after my roomie left for the weekend, I slowly lost my voice. It was really bad yesterday because I could hardly speak. It is much better today and although I sounded like, I quote Calvin, "The snake from Harry Potter"...I still managed to have fun over the weekend. I cooked BKT again and as usual, we had to cook extra rice as everyone stuffed themselves. If I don't get a job over here, I can always open a restaurant serving authentic Klang BKT. Despite the fact that a lot of people make jokes about Klang and how ulu it is etc., I am indeed proud to be from Klang.

I was supposed to go to work today but my boss sent me home because she thought I needed to take a rest from the way my voice sounded. I managed to finish writing my paper which is due tomorrow but then again, I have still lots to do after that. I hope I get everything done on time because I was really busy over the weekend and didn't have time to finish my work.

I went to attend my friend's baptism and he goes to this small church downtown that hold their services in a club/bar. I thought that was kind of cool because although the people who attended the church was not your everyday clean cut conventional Christian, they were still passionate about living for God and spreading the gospel. That was an experience itself...going to the bar to attend church.

I just had a visit from someone who wasn't on my list of favorite people. He actually invited me to watch him sing on Saturday when he came by sometime last week, so today he asked me how it went...assuming I went. I told him I didn't know because I didn't go as I was cooking BKT instead. BKT trumps everything else!

Moving On

I have never been a fan of those applications on Facebook but my absolute favorite application would have to be the Fortune Cookie application. There's something appealing about clicking the button and getting a completely random fortune. So when I log into Facebook, I like to get a new fortune daily and if I like it, I'll leave it at that for a while. The craziest thing is that sometimes, the "fortunes" that I get are totally straight on, or something that I need to hear. Today I clicked once and the phrase, "Why haven't you moved on yet?" popped up.

I paused for a while, stared at the computer screen and asked myself the exact same question. It has been too long and if I'm honest with myself, I am still not completely over it yet. I know I should but I am not okay with it largely due to the fact that my ego was bruised big time. I still berate myself for being so stupid about the whole matter because I know better than that. Since I got back, I was trying to deal with it by acting like things were okay when they were not. I even felt that he was trying to show me up by acting that everything was fine...that he was fine; pretending that nothing happened.

I did the exact same thing but on the inside, I was fuming. Because of that, I am no better than he is. Worse in fact. I realized today that there is no point in holding on to the hurt and regret. Mistakes are made but life goes on. Feeling resentful and angry will and has been interfering with my relationships with other people. I am sick of hearing myself complaining about him. So when I saw him today at Hubbell, I think he was pretending not to see me but I made it really clear that I was saying "Hi" to him and he couldn't avoid it. I ended up sitting with my friends 2 tables away from him while he sat alone. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.

Coz all the while, I thought I was the only one hurting but then again, I see him hurting as well...probably not in the same way like I am; but he is. I can only do so much, by being genuinely nice to him when I see him in public because I don't think I'm quite ready on my own accord to go and look for him to see how things are going with him. I doubt that we'll ever be good friends because I don't think I will be able to completely trust him again but its better than being completely hostile strangers to each other.

Doubts

Today I had my first senior capstone class for my major. I think it was one of the few times I felt such panic inside. The class involves completing projects that are endorsed by outside parties with real issues to deal with. For a short moment, I felt inadequate, inexperienced and wondered why I chose my major. I felt like I knew nothing!

There were 4 different projects and we could choose which one we wanted to do until the spots filled up. The bad thing was that I was sitting at the back of the classroom and I was rooting for 2 of the 4 projects. I didn't get any of them. I got the one that I didn't want to do at all but then again, after thinking about it, it wasn't too bad and I'm glad I got it because I sort of know what type of research should be done. I guess things happen for a reason.

I saw the person I thought I was over everyday since I came back. I realized that I'm still not completely okay but I'm getting there. It was hard seeing him again and it seems like we're avoiding each other. Maybe it's the best thing to do for now. I'm looking forward to the day when I can look him in the eye and confidently say that I'm doing good when he asks me how I am.

Hair

I've never been one who really cared about how my hair looked like. For as long as I can remember, I've always had the same hairstyle with few changes in between. So when I came back for the holidays, I decided that I needed a change to go with the times.

Since it was my last week back home and I was feeling better than I was a couple of days ago, I decided to take my friends advice and head off to Danny's. After consulting Danny, I realized that how your hair is speaks a lot about you. He told me that my hair was flat, weighed down (heavy) and a little dry. The same thing could almost be said about the past couple of months of my life.

So when he washed my hair and chopped chunks of it off, it literally felt like he was cutting off the drama that had occured in my life in the past few months. As crazy as it sounds, I felt a lot lighter and like I could look to a fresh new start to the year 2008. What was needed was more definition and some volume thrown into the mix. I'll be alright.

We Do What We Can

Copyright of xkcd by Randall Munroe

"Coming Home"

So I get that feeling again. Slow suffocation. I guess its part of the "coming home" experience. I miss the times when I can go out without having to tell someone about it or have someone worry about me. I miss having quiet time without someone banging on my room door, interrupting thoughts or a shower. I hate it when my dad stays up for me because I want him to go to bed and not worry about me. I have been away for so long and still have survived, so I think I'll be okay.

My aversion towards the TV didn't change though. Ever since I left for the US, I never watched much TV there and it is the same way over here now. I have absolutely no interest in turning on the TV or lying on the couch. I would rather hang out in front of my computer, read a book in bed or take a walk in the garden.

When I arrived, both my bags did not come with me. It was interesting to have to live on what I left behind which wasn't much. However, one of my bags arrived today and although it was the smaller of the two, I am grateful indeed. I finally had some presents to give to my family in the form of food items and some trinkets. I am waiting for the other one to come.

Perspective

After 30 or so hours of flying and layovers, I arrived back home in Malaysia. I found it hard to believe that I had been away from home for almost a year. It didn't seem that long ago but time flies I guess. I came home with a glad heart after being away from all the things and people I grew up with. It was only when I got back that I realized how much I miss all of them, and how much I changed over the year while I was away. Change is not neccessarily bad, experience definitely made me wiser; I give it that much credit. I came back more appreciative and more understanding.

As ironic as it may sound, I am on good terms with my parents. I think they trust me like never before and I am not going to take that trust forgranted. I guess being away from home made me grow up which I did not have the opportunity to do while I was here. I did try, yes I did but my parents weren't ready to let me go just yet. Everything has its own time.

I managed to get home in time for Christmas by divine intervention. My tickets were cancelled and I had to call the airline and reschedule my flight. Some of my friends who also had their tickets cancelled could only get the next available flight on Jan 7th so they ended up not going home at all. Somehow, one thing I learnt is that although people fail you time and time again, God never does.

I am being very blunt and honest about things right now. Over the one year I was away, there were times I could've got into many possible messes and I almost did. I am ashamed of my behavior but then again, although I did some crazy things, there was always something holding me back. And I know what that is now. And words cannot express how grateful I am for that. For all the times when people were praying for my safety, thank you.

Untitled 3

"For that first moment in my life, when I felt that we connected...everything seemed alright with the world. Nothing else mattered. You left me wondering where were things heading and when I asked you, you said you didn't know."

That chapter of my life is over. Resolution is always a good thing, no matter the outcome. It's better than leaving things the way they are; "half-assed". I don't believe in accidents. Things happen for a reason. We happened for a reason. I knew that if I went home without talking to you, I wouldn't be able to talk to you for a while after I came back. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing you, hearing your voice, remembering how you smell. I know that I would hate myself for hating you.

Listening to Sigur Ros. Wondering if you would ever come to your own resolution - of finding yourself, sharing yourself. I think I knew all this while, deep down inside of me, the reason why. I never did admit it to myself what I knew all along. You were afraid, and that's okay. We all are. I'm sorry that you had it harder than I did, harder than I will ever possibly know. But you got this far, and you're beautiful just the way you are.

I see that part of you now, that part that you never show to anyone else. You said so yourself, I know you better than your own family. I will always remember that. I will always remember you. Harold.

I Think God Can Explain - Splender

Clarity

Sometimes your paths are not meant to cross with another...well, not the way you want it to be. I have come to accept that with someone who was on the verge of becoming a special someone. We had a talk to clear things up, for him to tell me what exactly was going on and for me to tell him what were my expectations. He was really sorry because he felt that he was leading me on when he couldn't commit. But then again, it wasn't entirely his fault either.

At first, I was really rather disappointed because he is a great guy and I wished that something more could've come out of it. After he left, I thought about things over and I'm glad we had that talk because now that I know where we stand, I'm alright. I can see where he's coming from; he would rather hurt me now than hurt me a few months down the line when things become more complicated. For what it's worth, I appreciate his honesty.

Who knows, when he becomes a famous opera singer 10 years down the road, I might bump into him again. I felt so much better after talking to him that I had to go and see him and tell him that everything was cool between us. I know he felt bad but now that we're just friends, I want to know that I'm here for him as a friend. He invited me to watch him sing on Wednesday before all of this and I told him just now that I would be there to support him. That's what friends are for.

"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye..." - Christine in The Phantom of the Opera