Down and Out

I haven't felt this bad since January when I got sick with tonsilitis. I think I am down with a mild case of food poisoning and even though it's mild, I feel really miserable. My tummy hurts and I feel nauseated sometimes but have yet to actually throw up.

My tummy hurt so much that I couldn't sleep last night until 3 or 4am. Calvin has been good about it though. He's been sort of nursing and fussing over me. It feels kinda nice except for the tummy aches. I would give up the nursing in order to feel better. Heh!

So because of this, I missed classes today and have been stuck at home. The good news was that I cleaned my fish tank since Nicole has been complaining so much about it. It looks much better now but my snail died! I think there was a lack of algae for it to eat. Poor thing. I'm deciding if I want to get another one to replace it...maybe later.

For someone who loves food, it is hard to be deprived from eating regularly. I've only been eating soup and rice porridge and drinking hot tea...along with my daily dose of Peptol-Bismol. It doesn't seem to be working though. It just made my poop black. :P I will not be eating food...especially pizza from Spikes anymore.

I swear, it's the pizza because another girl who is a mutual friend came down with similar symptoms the exact day after eating at Spikes. She also had pizza. Grr....get better soon Amanda. I need to get better! Salsa night is on Friday. >_< I need to be able to dance. One cannot dance with stomach cramps or do spins with nausea.

Dancing + Cramps = More debilitating cramps!

Spins + Nausea = Throwing up.

Okay, getting better soon. I must.

My Poor Feet!

Remember my previous post on the flea infestation?

I am still living with the consequences. The area of my legs from my shin below looks like a war zone with scars and bruising. Its so unbelievably ugly that I cannot bear to wear anything other than jeans or long pants!

In addition to that, I've stubbed my toes on more than one occasion so now, my second toe on my right foot has a black nail. In order to disguise it, I have to paint my nails over to cover it up.

I can't wait for my feet to become normal again!

WTF?!!

Okay, sure its nice to grab the attention of a guy every now and then....especially if you just happen to be single at the moment but this...this is killing me. Imagine working the front desk and dealing with coaches who flirt with you and ask you out for drinks.

Yeah, so they know I'm a collage girl but it does not...and I repeat, it DOES NOT mean I want to party and hang out with you; especially if you happen to be from out of town. Also this is not the first time that it happened to me (go and check my posts last summer). Same thing, different guy...the other coach happened to be from Drake...this one...God knows where...Arizona? Even had the nerve to give me his name card. Ugh! Feeling very pissed right now.

I feel like a piece of meat! Besides, I have a man...who is as crazy about me as I'm about him and who loves me very much and I couldn't ask for more. Let alone some random dude from Arizona who coaches high school basketball.

Far beyond comparison.

I have to work here again tomorrow and I pray that I do not see that dude because I would be utterly disgusted to see his face and would have to wear my plastic face. Gag!

Summer...Yay?

School's out but that does not mean I get a lull in my regular routine. In fact, my routine now is even worse than before school was done. I've had to wake up earlier than when I had classes just to go to work which is really ironic.

Yesterday, I went to the field for the first time to do bird surveys and we had to leave at 6am. If it didn't pay that well and if I didn't need the money and experience, I would have thought twice about accepting that job offer just because it robs me of my sleep!

Today is my first day on the job working as Conference Assistant again. I had the 8am shift and last night, I was trying to go to bed as early as I can but woke up because my room mate decided to pack her things at 2 in the morning. The sound of packing tape has never been so annoying in my entire life!

So I was walking half asleep to work and when I got here, everything was buzzing. The RAs were trying to kick people out as soon as possible because other people have to check in. They were actually going to use security to try and escort people out as fast as they can. In addition to that, one of the janitors fell down and hit her head and had to be taken to the hospital in a stretcher.

Plus, I'll have to look for an apartment over the summer for next year as I plan to move out. My current room in Crawford will most likely be used as a storage facility as my roomie is planning on dumping her stuff in my room. I have no idea how I am going to move the couch and bed and crap.

I hope all this drama, stress and hassle is only temporary or else...this summer will be a horribly tiring one.

My Addiction (hopefully no more...)

If I ever have to see a shrink, it will be because of one reason...and one reason only.

Shoes.

I absolutely adore shoes! Why? Because shoes fit no matter what, unlike clothes. I find it hard find clothes that fit me because I'm too slender for my own good. So I end up wearing the same things most of the time but then, it gets boring.

What do I do then? Look for something to dress up my outfit with. I usually end up looking at shoes. I have a horrible confession; in total...I have about three dozen pairs of footwear...high heels, boots, flats, sandals, sneakers, flip flops.

I went to the mall today and I found myself buying 3 more pairs because it would be insane to pass up (or to get...whichever you prefer) such a good deal. I paid $27.53 for the total three pairs; 2 pairs from Nine West and 1 pair from Jessica Simpson.

I will NOT buy any more shoes for the rest of the year. Ever! So help me...

Out Of Alignment

Its just one of the weeks, when the alignment of the planets seem to be out of order and the universe has fallen into chaos. Just had to be the week before Spring Break. Probably good in a sense that we'd end up appreciating the week off more.

Despite the holidays to look forward to, some things just seem to pile up, get on your nerves or skeletons come back to haunt you. I spent 3 freaking hours today trying to collect data from an online database when in fact, it shouldn't take me more than half an hour. I was on the verge of almost pulling my hair out or trashing my computer because the page kept freezing while in mid-load. Refreshing it will only make my computer freeze up!

In addition to that, I gave myself a scare because I thought I had to analyze each data point for the coordinates and in total, there were more than 500 points. I think I lost a few minutes of my lifespan in the past few hours. Didn't help that before that, I was having one of those emo days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Olin - 1, Amanda - 0

So since I got here, I managed to get through the winter relatively fine. I have had friends who fell down and broke a leg, chipped a tooth and sprained an ankle. The one and only time I fell down was in front of my dorm, Jewett the first week I arrived here and even then, I was alone so no one saw.

I've had almost mishaps but none resulted in me actually falling down. I'd usually end up doing some weird dance on the ice to stable myself. Today was an exception.

I was in a hurry to get to lab and it was already a long day for me. So I was kind of half asleep and tired at the same time. It was rush hour...when students were going for their classes. I was walking down the stairs in Olin Hall and the next thing I knew, my foot slipped underneath me and I fell down 3 steps and landed hard on my right butt cheek.

My friend was like "OMG, are you okay Amanda?" Still feeling half dazed and sore, I was like, "Yeah, I'll be fine", stood up and proceeded to walk to class. Halfway down the corridor, I hear "Hey, you looked like you went down hard there. Are you okay?". I turn around and see these 2 cute guys walking behind me and I wanted to crawl (or limp) into a hole and die of embarrassment! With a nonchalant smile, I replied.."Haha, yeah..I'll be fine but I don't think I will be able to sit down for a while."

I put my bag down in class and went to the bathroom to cringe. It was the first day of Chinese New Year too. Bah!

Conversation

Sometimes its hard to have a decent conversation with someone. At times, it's just that the both of you don't have anything in common to talk about, other times it might be just inward hostility towards each other. And at times, it may just be general awkwardness that arises out of past interactions. The conversations below actually took place.

Situation A

*knock on door*
Me: Come in!
*door opens*
Me: (cringes inwardly) Oh...hey.
Him: Hey, how are you doing? Just came by to say hi...
Me: (rolls eyes mentally) I'm good...good.
Him: You look good. I actually came by like 4 times but no one was in...
Me: Oh...
Him: How was your trip back home?
Me: It was pretty good but I fell sick. I had tonsilitis.
Him: Really?! How did you get that?
Me: I have no idea.
*interrupts*
Him: Coz people I know who had it had to take them out...and I think the last time I went to the hospital was when I had a sinus infection...
Me: Oh..I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't have to take them out.
Him: Really? Why? Coz you're cool like that?
Me: (Are you kidding me? =.=") Yeah, coz I'm cool like that. *half sarcastic smile*
Him: Right...I see you got new sheets. They're nice.
Me: Yeah.
Him: You look well.
Me: (Huh? What?! Am I supposed to look like crap or something?) *smiles* So what are you doing later?
Him: Oh, I'm going to go upstairs and grab some books so that I can do some homework over dinner.
Me: Oh, alright. Have fun then.
Him: Thanks. See ya.
*leaves*

Situation B

*approaches drink fountain*
Me: (Omg, of all people...) *plasters on a smile* Hey.
Him: *looks shifty* Hey, how are you?
Me: I'm good.
*takes cup and prepares to dispense drink*
Him: Are you kidding me? I cannot believe tha they're out of Powerade when I want some...
Me: Well, looks like you have to get something else.
Him: Yeah, I'll just get some lemonade.
*awkward silence*
Him: So, how are you?
Me: (looks at him half incredulously)
Him: Oh...I asked you that already didn't I?
Me: Err...yeah?
Him: So why don't you ask me...
Me: So..how are YOU? *emphasizes the word YOU*
Him: Oh..haha(awkward laugh), so that's how its going to be huh? I'm good.
Me: (drawls)Good.
*prances off with drink*

Hmm...if I recall correctly, there was a lot of swearing underneath my breath as well. Oh well! *shrug*

Tonsilitis

Beware, the image that you are about to see is very graphic. If you suffer from a weak stomach and/or a wild imagination, I suggest that you skip the picture below. Picture courtesy of WH. This picture is not of me.

The swollen tonsils of a once healthy 20 year old male who was suffering from acute tonsilitis.


I am unfortunately plagued with the same predicament only milder. I'm doing my best to get well soon and get up and running since I only have 10 more days till I fly back to the States. Nothing like not being able to gorge on your favorite foods because of some stupid throat ailment. Bah!

So This Is Home

So here's my more or less set daily routine since I came home.

10.30am - Wake up

12.30pm - Have lunch

1pm to 5pm - Space out and/or do random things at home

6pm - Take a shower

7pm - Have dinner

7.30pm to 2am - Space out and/or do random things (unless I go out to yumcha)

2am - Sleep

Conclusion: Bored to death! Anyone want to come and rescue me?

Gossip = Disaster

If I could choose to have a super power, right now...I would wish that I could control the minds of people; their thoughts. Recently, things have been a little crazy for me as I try and figure out what is going on with some of the friendships I have with people. I confess that I am guilty of gossiping and speculating about other people and now I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It sucks. People have been asking and speculating about my friendship with this guy friend of mine because we just hang out a lot and I find it so awkward when I have to answer or fend off questions from people. I hate that feeling because we get kind of awkward about the subject and not talk about it.

The worst part is that I feel that the person that I actually like is feeling a little pang of something I'm not quite sure of because things between us have been different. I don't want him to think that there is something going on with my friend and I when in fact, I like him. It pains me everytime when I see him acting all weird about it and then I feel like telling him the truth. But I can't. If he only knew how I feel. If I only knew how to stop feeling this way. But I don't.

To make matters more interesting, I have a feeling that this guy I recently met not too long ago has feelings for me. I might be totally right or totally wrong with this. The stupid thing is that I feel he has been avoiding me and when I was talking to him the other day, he told me indirectly that he doesn't want to get hurt because he has feelings for this girl so he avoids her. I'm pretty sure that gossip has reached him and this is why I am so mad! I can't even be friends with him because of what people say. I think I need a shrink...

Korean Ecuardorian Chinese Malaysian Emo Soap Opera Drama Telenovela

My roomie and I were about to leave our room to go out partying at 1am when we hear this commotion at our door. This Chinese girl who is a mutual friend of our rushes in and locks herself in our room and starts talking. Then I hear crying and wailing outside the door asking her to stop talking. My worst fears came true last night. My friend's ex-gf went emo on all of us. It didn't help that he was hanging out with us. Writing about it is too painful but it ended up with my roomie and I, the Chinese girl and her friend camping outside my room door while those two argued and talked about their "relationship" in my room. I didn't get to bed until almost 4am and I did not go partying.

I think I was feeling rather annoyed and victimized by the whole situation because somehow, it was implied that I was the cause of it. I woke up this morning and I was feeling no better. It didn't help that my friend apologized to me...and only to me directly in front of the whole drama crew. I felt like shit after that. Pissed definitely and shitty. The ex-gf who happens to be a friend of mine came over this morning to apologize to me and my roomie. I honestly didn't want to talk to her but I did. I guess things are better now but it's already feeling awkward between us, even more so with my friend.

I don't know what to feel at the moment. I hate it when nonsense like this happens but then again, it was my fault I suppose for wishing more interesting things to happen in my life. This was more than I bargained for. I am left wondering how should I behave...should I keep away or carry on like nothing happened. I don't know and not knowing sucks.

Strangely Dissatisfied

What more could a girl want than to be complimented on how great she looks by her friends, to have hoards of good looking guy friends to flirt with and to know that her loved ones are there for her?

I danced with the ex-president of Alpha Kappa Psi on Friday night, flirted with my cute Kazakh friend, had a bunch of tall strapping guys over at my place for a movie tonight, had a hot Vietnamese guy buy me drinks, send me home and lend me his jacket, had my hot Canadian friend call me twice in a day last week, was hugged multiple times by Harold and somehow, I feel so dissatisfied with where I am right now.

Think of me as ungrateful. Am I really ungrateful? I know girls would envy to be me but why do I feel this way? How ironic it is to be surrounded by everything that people would usually want but not feel an ounce of satisfaction in it. Why? Because I can't have what I want. The only thing that would make a difference to how I feel, is unavailable. And that sucks.

In The Fall

I hate it when my brain goes into overdrive. When it starts to wander off by its own, on its own trail of thoughts and I cannot seem to do anything to distract it enough to make it stop. Everywhere around me, I seem to be seeing relationships crumble and fail. Right in the middle of when I'm trying to reach someone. When coming at me, from all directions are friends who are in the processes of healing or are thinking about the future of the relationship that they're in. And I am caught in the middle somehow.

Do I still believe in love? I ask myself this in the midst of so much hurt and regret. What is love? How do you know if you truly love someone? Somehow, I guess it is so ingrained into me that I don't think I can ever forget what it really is. I will forever quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-10. There is no other way of describing love as it is. The wholeness and completeness of it. The sacrificial part of it and the beauty of it. That verse captures the essence of love. Love is long-suffering.

So why do things seem to go through drastic changes in the Fall? They change like how the leaves change color and fall off the trees to the ground. It seems like everything is dying slowly. But there is a season for everything. The leaves need to fall in order for the trees to survive the winter. To continue to live. This is supposed to be my favorite season. Why don't I feel like it at times? I'm just waiting for spring.

Derek Webb - Wedding Dress

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’ll ever need
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

(chorus)
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

(chorus)

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

http://www.myspace.com/derekwebb

Combustion

So I'm a Christian, but then again, there are times that I don't feel like I'm one, let alone want to be one simply because I don't want to be a hypocrite. But tell me, how does one control anger that is on the verge of becoming rage? I know I'm not a particularly patient person, especially when it comes to issues that are my pet peeves.

Like this morning, I got this message from someone trying to very obviously dig out information from me that has absolutely got nothing to do with them whatsoever. Like hello?! What is your problem? Leave it be! You don't need to know that, let alone have any opinion on it. It's my bloody life and I can do whatever I want without your concern let alone consent.

And then, my professor assigned us this assignment that seems impossible to do. Imagine...I spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to do it and I have no freaking idea on how it should work. Everything I tried has failed! I even asked my classmates and they don't even know how to do it. To make matters more interesting, it's due tomorrow. I think I might have to skip work just to try and finish the damned thing. It does not help that I'm kinda broke and I need the money!

Then, there is this boy who is driving me crazy. Everything that I do seems to be pushing him further and further away from me. Talking doesn't help and when I try to be nice, it somehow backfires on me. What the hell should I do? I have given up hope. All I want to do is to beat the crap and yell my lungs out at him in his face.

I feel calmer but then again, I feel the anger buried somewhere inside of me. Its capped down tightly but its struggling to get free. Anything might just set it off...anything...


"Pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and its people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn..."

The Ballad Of...

There are 8 billion people in this world
8 billion lives are changing
Never felt so alone

Would you consider me inspite of this?
I'm always the one who loses
Would you make me better?

How, how, how will we make this work?
Why do you have to be so far?
It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever

That look is all I need to get by
Like living in some illusion
I never felt so alive

I know that there will be flaws around us
The silly wars that we'll be fighting
Yes, I'll be fighting

How, how, how will we make this work?
Why do you have to be so far?
It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever

It's all clear now I'm gonna keep you
Like flowing water into forever
Into forever now
I'll be the one who holds you dear

There are 8 billion people in this world
8 billions live are changing
And you're the one I need.

J-Town

So I finally managed to unpacked all of my stuff except for one box. I decided that I needed a break and wanted to get myself a nice hot cup of tea...only to realize that my microwave and fridge is still at Ross. I wasn't able to move it today because the person that helped me could only help me so much. Bah! I think I've been spoilt by my ex-room mate and because of that, I just had to get a microwave and fridge myself. It's worth the investment I think, since I'm going to be here for a while.

I had to do some laundry over here and I discovered that there is only a single dryer in the entire building! Apparently they added new washers but I think..forgot to add new dryers. And one of the washing machines ate my money! >_< Hmm....I am dead tired...but I really need that cup of tea...I think I'm going downstairs to use the kitchen microwave.

Moving Blues

To think that things will finally settle down since my summer class is over and that my job is ending soon is my mistake. Now, I have to worry about how am I going to move my stuff from Ross to Jewett Hall. I think I had to call several people just to find someone who is able to help me. The one person that I thought I could rely on has to leave on a camp on Friday which is the day that I plan to move. I hate not having a car or a driving license, both of which I plan to get soon. Yeap, you heard me...car and driver's license...but license first. Heh! So here I am...feeling kinda blah because moving is such a hassle especially if you have quite a bit of stuff, like me.

The Horror...The Horror...

My summer RCA job officially ends at the end of next week and according to my boss, I would always have a place to stay as long as I'm working. Today, I was going back to Ross after getting caught in the rain and the first thing I saw when I reached the doorway was a sign, stating : Ross Hall will close on August 11th at noon.

I am not ready to move out yet. I am NOT PREPARED TO MOVE OUT YET! Heck! Its my last week of class and I have a paper to finish by Friday and my final paper to complete on the 10th to the 12th. I have no time to move! I have no time to pack! I don't need this distraction/problem at the moment. I hate to admit it but I might be homeless. Gahh!

To make matters worse, the apartment that I used to live at in the beginning of the summer is crowded...with new furniture. I don't think my friends will appreciate having several additional kitchen appliances, luggage bags, and boxes of stuff being brought into the apartment. I am at a loss here.