The holiday mood...

...kills the desire to finish one's final projects/papers. Blah!

I find myself doing everything else willingly, anything that has nothing to do with homework. I dunno, I guess I'm just really sick of school at the moment. This is probably the worst semester I had here at Drake. 4 classes but it seems like 5.5 and last semester, 5 classes seemed like cake to me. Maybe its the material I'm supposed to be reading about.

Totally depressing!

Who knew that there were so many dimensions to environmental science and environmental policy. It sucks because I am totally overwhelmed by what I read and to even think about trying to possibly foster change to the current system makes me so damn depressed because it seems like all the odds are stacked against me. And I for one, was so naive to think that the US had a pretty good system in place before I came here. Wrong!

If I had to live overseas for the rest of my life, I would move far far away from the US and the horrible things that happen here. I think a lot of you probably don't know what I'm talking about but that's fine. Read my class blog -Pensees sur le vert or educate yourself. Pick up a copy of "Taking Action, Saving Lives" by Kristin Shrader-Frechette. Insanely enlightening but at the same time, extremely depressing.

And here I am, still doing the same 'ol thing. Shopping at Walmart...and just plain shopping. It is hard to prevent oneself from being sucked into American consumerism. But damn, Sephora and VS had such good deals that I couldn't resist. To make matters worse, my new obesession is makeup. So I have been doing quite a lot of makeup purchases lately because it so freaking cheap here compared to buying the same thing in Malaysia.

See how I am torn between my love for the environment and my love for shopping and makeup?!!

This will not do. One has to go soon and I suspect it will be the shopping but mainly because my bank account dictates it.

So This Is Malaysia

Recently, I've been trying to keep up with the local news in Malaysia through The Star Online and honestly...what I've read so far has been rather depressing. I wonder what fascinates people about politics? The dirt that politicians attempt to throw at each other? The backstabbing? Their war-of-words? Our country already lacks so much transparency and to see the people in charge hurl insults at each other and come up with ridiculous proposals like the ban on lipstick and high heels seems to me that they don't really care about the welfare of the people. Why bother arguing with each other about stupid and I mean...really effing stupid trivial matters when there are families in Malaysia who are unable to make ends meet because of the recent increase in fuel prices.

I read an article about the MB of Kedah approving a logging plan for the state. One question. Are you insane? The problem with our country is that we focus too much on reaping instantaneous rewards from our work. We have to realize that planning has to be done in the long run. Isn't there enough development in the West coast where large areas of rainforests have already been logged? We do not need to lose any more green areas to greedy politicans who get their palms greased under the table by developers. You'd be stupid to think that the habitat that you allowed to be destroyed would grow back in even 20 years. Try 100 years.

Things like these make me so mad about the state of things back home even while I'm studying overseas. A part of me wants to say F*** this and I'll just permanently plant my butt here and deny that I'm even Malaysian when I'm asked because I am so ashamed of the way things are going on back home. But then again, if I...if we; those who were given the chance to widen our worldviews and to express our opinion without falling under censorship don't do anything, who will? Who will go back home and root themselves in the marketplace and eventually be influential enough so that by collectively collaborating, produce change that is powerful enough to sweep through the nation.

I hate the attitudes of Malaysians back home. I really do. But I'm not saying that all Malaysians are like that because change is happening; slowly but surely seen at the last elections. People are sick of the way corrupt and greedy politicians run the country and how they use race as a tool to divide the people. Over here, when people ask me what I am...I don't say I'm Chinese...I say I'm Malaysian.

You heard me.

Malaysian.

So instead of sitting your butt down in the comfortable chairs at parliament, try getting out of your comfort zone and walk through the streets of Malaysia without bringing your stupid entourage of photographers and bodyguards. Talk to the random Ah Pek or Makcik and ask them how are things going. Ask them if they have enough to eat or a place to stay. Being a politician means you were elected by the people, for the people. You were chosen to represent them....to voice out their concerns and needs so that they will be met. You were not chosen to line your pockets with bribes or APs but to serve the people.

I read an article about how people were so desperate such that they would resort to stealing fuel from parked cars in the middle of the night. Is this what our nation has come to? Petty thievery? And we call ourselves a developed nation? We are far from achieving that goal and all that rubbish talk about Wawasan 2020. We seem not to care about resorting to anything to project the image of apparent success. Any honest Malaysian would tell you well enough that it is all a farce.

I am angry and I have rights to be. I can not stand to see my homeland go to the dogs. If you're Malaysian and feel dissatisfied with the way things are going in the country, I urge you to do something. Make a change. Work hard. Innovate and invent. Recycle and think twice about throwing that cigarette butt out of your car window. Don't do what we've been criticizing our politicans about...don't have a "tidak apa" attitude.

Dress Shopping

Maybe its just another trait of being Asian but usually, I have no issues with fitting into American sizes 0, 2 or XS when it comes to buying regular clothes like tops or pants. However, when it comes to buying dresses, that's a totally different story. I find it almost impossible to find a decent dress over here that I can fit into...they are usually too large for me. It gets frustrating at times because out of lets say, 20 dresses that I try on, I only find 1 that would fit well. It bothers me somewhat but not enough to piss the crap out of me.

Today was an exception. I have had been looking for a dress to wear for the past 2 months to my friend's wedding this Saturday and I have found nothing. So today, I went shopping with Grace and we walked into this high end store - Ann Taylor and I didn't expect to find anything nice that would be reasonably priced. In the corner of the sale rack, I spotted this white dress with a floral pattern and checked the size, it was a Size 0. My heart skipped a beat. I fumbled for the price tag, it was only $20 from $148.

I grabbed the dress and ran to the dressing room to put it on. The moment I slipped it on, my heart sank...it was too big! How is that possible?!! I wanted to swear like a pirate and I couldn't bring myself to put it back. I almost bought it with hopes of getting it altered but I figured it woule be a pain to alter it due to its design. I put it back on the rack and walked out of the store without looking back.

As I left the store, I felt like exploding. I felt like I was being punished for being too "skinny". I mean, its not like I starve myself or I don't eat...heck, anyone who knows me know how much I am capable of eating. For the next hour, I could not remember a time when I wished so much to be fatter. I think its the friggin' store that has false sizing (one size down) to allow their customers to feel better about themselves...so what? That they can eat more and go up a dress size and not feel bad about it?

I found myself wondering if I was going to be doomed to wear junior's sizes the rest of my life. I found myself questioning my body even though time and time again, people have complimented me. What should I believe? It is hard to believe in what you think you should especially if everything else tells you otherwise.

Now How Is This Fair?

Grr...so I am stuck at home, feeling sore in all the wrong places, not to mention nauseated and a lil bloated because I just happen to have tonsilitis and most of my friends are out being busy one way or the other. I wasn't really complaining (I think), not until I log onto Facebook and see this picture!


A picture of a person that I don't like very much seemingly having a ton of fun while I feel miserable because I'm sick! Now how is this fair? I don't deserve this! Something is wrong with the picture here...change it!

Scrooged Over

You know that you're really sick when everytime you cough, you give your abs a workout. I'm hoping that this cold will blow over ASAP! I've tolerated a sore throat for a week and now I have a hacking cough that keeps me up at night. The good thing is that I only have 2 official finals to take (one of which I can afford to slack off because I already have a A in the class, regardless if I take the final or not! :P), in addition to one take home final and a presentation.

I can't wait for this stupid semester to be over so that I can fly back home and rest and recuperate from all the craziness that I'd been plagued with the entire semester. I'm supposed to feel all Christmasy and happy but all I can feel now is stress as I sit in front of the computer, typing this out...eating Cheerios by the handful for breakfast because its snowing out. I haven't even done my Christmas shopping yet which is very very unlike me. I'll find a way somehow...I always do.

Or So I Thought...

After being plagued by the feeling of awkwardness for 24 hours, I decided I had enough and I went and had a long conversation with my friend Sam. We decided that it would be stupid to not be friends over this matter and even if we still stayed friends, people would talk anyway. That was the basic gist of our conversation but then, I thought everything would be okay and things would resume as usual.

I guess I was wrong because now, it feels that the both of us are trying to accomodate to her feelings, be it rational or not. It's like we're doing our best (him more than me) to ensure that she doesn't turn psycho again. I am mad at myself, at him and mostly at her. Although she came over the morning after the incident to apologize and talk, I still feel that what she did is totally unfair to both myself and especially Sam. I feel like Sam and I are treading on thin ice around her...to make sure that we're not seen together too often by her or by her friends. What rationale is there in that??

I don't get it either because I feel that it is incredibly unfair to compromise our friendship just to "jaga her hati". Honestly, he has no such obligation towards her because they're no longer seeing each other and he can be friends with whoever he pleases without needing her consent. So what? Now she's feeling better about herself but then, at whose expense this time? Mine...and I don't think I'm willing to let it go that way.

Wrong Number!

One pet peeve I have about the US is the tons of automated phone calls one gets. I have been receiving phone calls for various people and most of them are automated. It annoys the hell out of me because I can't say, "Oi, stop calling me because I'm not that friggin' person!". I have been receiving this same call for one "George Clint" for oh, I don't know...a month already and I have no idea how to tell them to stop annoying me.

Just now, I received one and the left a number for me to callback. I immediately hung up on the automated message and dialed the number. I was so ready to yell at the stupid company for sending all these automated calls with no option of saying that "There is no such person". The guy who answered my call probably got a little bite out of me because it is so annoying to get the same call maybe 3 times a week looking for some non-existent person! I told the person quite curtly that there is no such person so please stop the damned calls.

Another one would be some medical office calling for this lady and leaving a message etc etc and first of all, I thought it was me but when I replayed the message, it turned out it wasn't. I was so mad. Stupid automated calling systems! Heck, why can't they get the number right? Not to mention, the cellphone companies recycle numbers and these people don't bother to update their contact info leaving others to deal with their personal calls.

The other day, I was woken up at like 7.15am in the morning by the sound of my ringing phone. I was deeply asleep so when I woke up to pick up my phone from the desk, I fell off my bed! To make matters more annoying...I answered the call and it was a wrong number! >:( I crawled back to bed and as soon as I got in, the phone rang again. It was the same lady looking for that person! Gah! If I wasn't half asleep, I think I would've been very rude to the lady. Heck, who would make phone calls at 7.15am? I slept late the previous night and had to wake up for class at 8am so I was really counting on getting as much sleep as I can.

I hope I don't get anymore annoying automated and wrong number calls. I'm so fed up!

The Washer and the Tub

The bad thing about living on campus in the summer is the lack of or slow upkeep of the facilities. The bathtub in our apartment has been clogged for the past week so much so that it takes hours for the bathwater to drain down after one has taken a shower. That is not such a problem, the problem is that the slow drain of the bath water leaves dirt and soap scum at the bottom of the tub and scrubbing the tub doesn't help because after rinsing the soap away, the water still doesn't drain away! My room mate has been telling the RA's about it but so far, no one has come to fix the drainage on the tub.

Two days ago, the cable TV got cut off and will only be fixed this coming Monday. I'm not a big fan of TV but my roommate is and she was hopping mad. Why would they need to take that long to fix the cable? What happened to efficiency? Today, I was running out of clean clothes so I decided that it was time to do my laundry. After sorting out my laundry and lugging the whole load downstairs, I was left to discover that all the washers and dryers in the laundry room was unplugged and their piping removed. I was furious!

Why? Well, there were no notices at all posted saying that the cable would be out or the laundry room would be out of service and sorry for the inconvenience that it might cause. I think the University owe us at least an apology or a notice for something like this. I mean, what about someone like me who doesn't have a car and I can't go to the laundromat? Do I still wear my sweat soaked clothes until the skin rots off my back?

So I was working....

....and because there was nothing much to do, I was chatting to my friends online. It didn't help that the day started off with a rude awakening. The fire alarm happened to go off at Ross this morning to I had to evacuate the building at 8.30am approximately. Having slept at 2am last night, I wasn't to happy about it. The accumulation of late night shifts didn't help either because I was lacking sleep. When security gave the ok, I went back up to resume sleeping. Didn't happen. I couldn't get back to sleep and I had to work from 12pm to 4pm and again at night from 12am to 4am. So fine, to work then.

I was telling my friend how tired I am and what I got in return was that I should take a nap. I already said that I was working. How stupid can one be? Nevermind, to make matters worse, he laughed at me...saying that work was making me crazy. That was the last straw. No one calls me crazy! What is wrong with men? Are they stupid or just plain ignorant? Can't a tired working woman get a break? There's only so much she can deal with; work responsibility, lack of sleep, the responsibility of making sure that there is dinner on the table for 3 others including herself.

I empathize with women who are stuck in the same boat as I am. You are stronger than you think, don't let one person put you down.

Burned

It ran away again. Its funny how little it takes for it to go haywire. Words. It's beating like a hummingbird's wings...only louder - like a base drum. Sad how distance and opinions separate along with age and religion. Coward. Hiding behind a screen. Being myself. Why? Perceptions. I lose this time. I hate getting burned.

Regrets By Far

This is by far my biggest regret about coming to study in the States. I'm not there for my family and friends when they need me the most. Words can never replace your presence at the moment when they need a shoulder to cry on or a hug to remind them that everything will be okay regardless of the situation.

One of my friends went through a tough time trying to forget bad relationships in the past, she wanted to start over and I couldn't be there for her. My cousin's girlfriend just passed away in a sudden freak incident. And I'm here...a million miles away, sending smses saying that everything will be okay. I hate it because I feel like everything is NOT okay! It is not okay...

Gigs and Legs

I think I've not gotten out enough. There's so many places to see, so many things to do in Iowa but I'm stuck at Drake because I don't have a car! Neither do I have a friend close enough to drive us around. I guess the only way is to get a guy...LOL...that was a joke. Anyway, I've been checking out the music scene and oh my goodness....there are so many concerts that I want to attend. Why? Because I'll most probably never get to catch them in Malaysia! The Red Hot Chili Peppers had a concert nearby a couple of nights ago...so did Nickelback. A gig from Jars of Clay is coming up and I want to go for that but unfortunately, I'll be in St. Louis for Spring Break. Quietdrive is also performing...and they are my new favourite band! Darn it! Not to mention the fact that Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake is also on tour in a neighbouring state. Sigh~ I miss having friends with valid driving licenses, a car and guts!

There is warmer weather expected from today onwards. I was getting sick and tired of not being able to expose my legs. Haha! It's not what it sounds like. I'm tired of wearing jeans or long pants and thermal leggings all the time! My legs are craving for fresh air and sunshine; I need to go out in my capris. I'm doing that today...finally!! It's a nice and cool 8 degrees outside and I'm going to walk to Hubbell Dining Hall in a decent outfit after being covered from head to toe for the past 2 months. This warm weather is going to continue until Monday at the moment and I certainly hope it lasts.

Mid-Term Symptoms

It's that feeling again that always hits me in the middle of the semester. Everytime it is the same thing and no matter how hard I try to look out for it, I never notice it until it is too late. What is it? Laziness!!! Gah! I've been feeling rather de-motivated this past week and I finally decided to slap myself out of it today. Why today? Well, I have a class that I'm taking that does not have any exams; we're graded on our assignments. Let's just say that my assignment grades have been less than satisfactory...meaning I have to buck up or face the prospect of doing horribly this semester which I will not fail to regret. So if you find out that I've been wasting my time, do not hesitate to hit me on the head and remind me that I'm supposed to work hard. Anything less than that is unacceptable!

Stupid MS Excel

Bah, been feeling extremely frustrated for the past few hours because, I have to finish some assignments on MS Excel but I can't seem to get it right. It is driving me crazy! I have to pass up my assignment on Monday and I haven't done 10% of it yet!! Looks like I have to visit my Professor tomorrow and ask him to teach me how to do it. Gah!!! Help!

I Need Roti Canai! (...and good company)

Gah! This is a rant! I shall specify this from the very beginning, so be warned. This is my last chance to attend a mamak session but due to lack of transportation, it was unfortunately canceled at the last minute. I am really really sad because, I want to have a last round of 'teh o ais limau' and 'roti kosong' before I leave. I am still grumbling about the fact that my dad wouldn't let me take the car out at night despite the fact that it will probably be the last time I get to drive until I get back. It's too dangerous for girls to drive at night, blah blah blah. My dad offered to take me but I refused. Don't want to be chaufferred this time. No...not this time. Gah! So here I am, stuck at home, in front of the PC feeling far from satisfied and listening to my Rock Playlist. Geez, what a way to spend my last night this way.

Frustration!

Gah!!! The first thing that happened was the earthquake in Taiwan that disrupted internet service throughout Asia. Okay fine, having a slow conneciton is definetely better than not having one at all. At least I could still chat on MSN, download music and browse although some pages take forever to load. But then again, what use is it if you got the Internet but no MSN?

I realized yesterday night that something was wrong with my MSN Messenger. Sometimes I couldn't send/receive messages and at times I could. Okay I thought, it was probably because of overcrowding in the Net. I tried logging in today. Completely impossible. I thought, maybe my desktop is shot...but what about my laptop? It wasn't working either but the service status says that MSN is up and running.

I don't like shit to happen to my computer. Seriously. I'd rather have problems with other things but not my computer; especially if I can't figure out how to fix it. So here I am, blogging because I can't access Messenger. For those who have an inkling on how to fix this problem, do post a suggestion because the frustration is killing me. I can't use Web Messenger either because my brower does not support it. I feel so disconnected!! It sounds really sad but yeah, I do feel disconnected.

Cry Baby, Cry...

I never imagined that I would be sitting alone, in my room, on a Friday night...and even more so...crying my eyes out. To be honest, I've been feeling a little down the past few days but I finally reached rock bottom today. I stayed at home, doing nothing much with no one. Probably that added to my feeling of wretchedness and loneliness as the days go by. My friends actually asked me to go out clubbing with them tonight and as much as I hate going clubbing, I actually wanted to go this time just to spend time with my them.

Knowing that they would only come back in the wee hours of the morning, I decided to ask my mum if I could go. In my head, I was pretty sure that she would say no but then again, a miracle might happen. I went down and asked her...You know what she said? "What do you think?" Oh well, I did try and I only have to endure this kind of thing for a week more. But the thought didn't cheer me up. The moment I stepped into my room and sat down in front of my desk, I started to cry...for God knows what reason. I just felt so alone...all my friends are out doing one thing or the other while I was stuck at home...under house arrest. After I stopped bawling, it suddenly hit me...I, in a way was feeling kinda homesick even before I actually left. But then again, it might be a good thing to get this emotional phase over with so that when I leave, I'll be alright. I'd hate to cry at the airport.

-.-"

When my mum was away in Cambodia, I actually missed her because then, my bro and dad would get off my back and talk to her instead. Now that she's back, I think I just had a drastic change of heart. She got back on Friday night, and I didn't see her until Sarurday morning. It is now Tuesday and I'm starting to have that funny feeling that it is all a big mistake. She is driving me up the wall! "Do this! Do that! This isn't clean!" etc. Trust me, I've seen the porch in conditions 10 times worse than now. The stupidest thing she ever asked me to do in the past was to mop the porch. I was even more stupid by doing so. I mean, who in their right mind would bloody mop the porch and let the wind blow dust on it again half an hour later? Thank God that is a distant memory now.

It's a good thing I have friends who are also on vacation this week and until I leave. I will make the most of this opportunity to see them and strengthen the ties of our friendship. Gah!!

Delayed

I guess we never know how important the computer and internet are to us until something major happens. I’ve been without Internet connection and a desktop for the past 3 days. I went to MSL today to pick up and pay for my air ticket which is dated on January 5th. I have already set that date as the day that I leave to the States. I like to prepare myself mentally for what lies ahead and for the day that I’m about to leave. However, after paying for the ticket and running other errands around KL, it was time to head home for dinner. I wanted to e-mail my contact at Drake on Monday to confirm the finer details with her but since the Internet was down, I decided to wait until it gets back up.

After dinner, I got a message from Grace asking me to call her back. It was about the accommodation at Drake. So call her back I did. It wasn’t nice news. On campus housing would only be available from the 13th onwards but in the admission packet, it is stated that International Students should arrive no later than the 10th. Where the hell are we supposed to put up then??!!

Naturally, I got nicely from my mum for not e-mailing the University earlier about the accommodation etc. One would think that if we were supposed to arrive by the 10th, we would have to have a place to stay by then right? That was why I did not e-mail the person in charge sooner. I hadn’t even confirmed that I was supposed to go this time around. Who knows? I might pull another Canadian escape routine this time again. I guess I’ll have to cancel my ticket for the 5th and instead take a later flight which would be on the 9th. The cancellation of the ticket would firstly, be a hassle and secondly, would cost quite a bit. Needless to say, my mum isn’t too happy about that and she’d made it very clear to me. So kill me, it’s my fault I’ll admit it. Contrary to popular belief, I’m my harshest critic. I’m still kicking myself mentally…

Well, at least I’m not the only one who has to endure shelling from parents. Grace apparently got it as well. We are one and the same. I suppose it’s better to stay at a motel/youth hostel/backpacker’s lodge for 3 nights or so in comparison to almost a week (my case, if I leave on the 5th). Grace will also be arriving on the 9th so yeah, we could just rough it out together for a few nights at a motel and split the bill.

Hitch

Some guy once told me, he learnt a lot about dating women from watching Hitch. Never having actually seen the movie myself, I was looking forward to catching it on Astro. It was expectedly funny, the usual comedies about fumbling guys thrown in but somehow, as most movies are, there is a lack of reality about the whole thing. I mean, come on! Are women that easily conned into getting into a relationship with a guy they never even knew the existence of in the first place? And what about the whole “Oh, I’m in love with her” routine? Do they actually believe they’re in love with her or it’s just another lame excuse to get into her pants…? However, I do believe what they say about women, that 80% of women know where the relationship is heading to after the first kiss. But, I also believe that women also know where the relationship is going without having to kiss the guy. Trust me on this one. Some lips/guys are just not worth it.

So yeah, I’m a cynic and you can’t blame me entirely for being one. There are enough movies made about love and romance every year at Hollywood. Even less have any sense of reality to them. Sure, they make you go all warm and fuzzy inside but wake up! Hollywood never (okay…hardly) applies to real life. So yeah, to say that you’ve learnt about dating by watching a show that has been engineered in such a way to make audiences feel that they could go out and date (not to mention, con) movie stars is really insane by my standards. Unless, you have a warped sense of reality and think that you live the Hollywood engineered life. To make matters even more interesting, I usually prefer movies to have happy endings but for this one, I’d really wish she’d left him lying in the middle of the road after she knocked him down. By the way, I have reason to believe that the guy from the first sentence tried “Hitching” on me. Oh yeah, one more thing, it didn’t work.