Lost

I think I have a really bad coping mechanism with how I deal with myself. After going through a period of emotional instability, I found myself shutting down. I left all that is important behind and focused more on distracting myself and the pain away. It did work, yes...that I admit but it left me wandering in life. I'm behind my school work because I had no motivation to do it whatsoever. All I want to do is just to have fun and or indulge myself in making me feel good.

The worst thing is that it also left me behind in my walk with Him. I haven't been praying or reading the Bible regularly because I was too tired to do it and too lazy. I felt like I didn't need Him to help me get through. The reason I was feeling the way I did was because I chose to obey Him and now see where it left me. I feel like I'm going through this on blind faith, giving of myself half-heartedly.

I feel lost. I feel like I lost my purpose in life, I forgot what it is and I forgot who I am. Sacrifice is meant to teach us lessons in life and living but I'm not satisfied with the outcome. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've given up something I want so much with so much of a struggle but I don't see how it is benefitting me in any way. It feels more like I'm worse off than I was before. I'm supposed to bounce back and live as I should but it doesn't feel good at all. As a matter of fact, it sucks. I want this feeling to go away.