Escape!!!

Once again, after a night of fun and sisterhood with my bezzie, I had to face the wrath of my mother (mostly!) in the morning. She yelled at me and said that I was wasting my life away by hanging out late into the night and this causes me to wake up late in the mornings. Apparently, responsible people go to bed early (before 12am) as they need to work in the morning. “What have you been doing?” she said. You’re just wasting your time away by not wanting to get a job because you’re so fussy about the wages and you want minimum wage. It was my turn to retort and sadly, I did most of it in my head, I wish I had the guts to say it out loud but every time in this kind of situation, I get so upset that I have to keep quiet or else I would end up crying because I’m so frustrated inside.

Why can’t they see the way that I see things in life and just accept me for who I am and not try to change me??!! Yes, they’re intentions might be only for the best for me but why can’t they present their views in a different manner instead of trying to put my beliefs down! So yeah, I was born a girl…lucky me. For a fact, I thank God that I am a girl but sometimes…especially in times like these…I’m sorry God but yeah I wish I was a boy or I wish You made people sexless. No matter how hard we try, we cannot escape the fact that there are men (those bastards!) out there who try and harm us in some way. Because of this stupid belief that women are the weaker sex, we are inhibited of experiencing things in life that most men find the norm. Take for example, Grace. Her dad sets a curfew on her to be back by midnight. Isn’t that absolutely unreasonable?? Mine is no better because by today, I have to be back latest by 1 am. Damn shit!!! I am so mad because I can’t change the way things are...especially even more with Chinese parents who tend to treat sons and daughters unequally.

Another thing, there are such things as people being morning or night persons and I just happen to fall into the latter category and am therefore persecuted by my own parents. I also happen to be an idealist. Yeah….why do people want to view the world through the eyes of a pessimist? Isn’t there enough of shit and crap happening already? Why can’t people be optimists instead and try to see the best of things? What happened to hope? I’m pretty sure that Jesus was an idealist. I mean, who in their right mind would “turn the other cheek”? So what if I’m an idealist? I like being one because if the whole world were full of realists, there wouldn’t be any of the miracles, do gooders and charity workers and advances in technology. I can bet you that Einstein was just like me, an idealist.

The fact of the matter is that we are the kind of people who would want to make this world a better place. About the minimum wage, yeah if I could, I would enforce it and not just for my sake but for other people as well. Imagine working in Tesco (it is my mum’s dream that I listen to what she wants me to do and work as a cashier in Tesco for the meager pay of RM 4.50 an hour). Come on, be real! No one can survive on a little over USD1 an hour. People are worth so much more than that! Imagine a single mother trying to struggle working long hours just to support her 3 kids by earning RM 4.50 an hour? Don’t you think it’s absurd? I’d rather be the one earning more but yes, paying higher taxes and paying more for services. At least the government would provide welfare for those who need it most. At the root of it all, I just want to see people living better and in a stupid way, I am protesting to the fact by not working as I think that my labor…though unskilled…is worth more than RM 4.50 an hour.

I find it amazing that some children are so close to their parents, like how close Grace is to her mum. At the same time, I envy them. Imagine, my parents treat me this way, like a child and I have to obey them without question. My views are not accepted nor asked for in this house. No wonder I view them as parents, nothing else. Authoritative figures whose decisions and views are not to be questioned…absolutely no hint of a loving parent-child relationship. And it’s a miracle I turned out the way I am today. Independent in some way yes, and a rebel at heart although most of my actions and views are suppressed.

I am always resisting in some form or the other. My friends are my advisors, my confidantes, my partners in crime. I ask my friends for more advice than I do my parents. When I was seeing N for a while, I thought of telling my mum so many times but although the words were on the tip of my tongue, I could never bring myself to say it. Now I know precisely why. I understand that I can not have the same intimacy with my parents as that I experience with my friends. It doesn’t help either that my dad is a racist. Imagine, most of my friends know about N, even YT, my CG leader. I tell her things that I wouldn’t even dream of telling my parents! I mean, don’t my parents ever wonder that although I’m old enough, I’ve never gotten into a relationship? Or came close? It’s just that I’d rather not let them know. I think my apprehension of them finding out also made me avoid wanting one. I cannot imagine coming home and telling my parents…”Hi mum, dad…meet my boyfriend!” I would rather die than do that.

Sure you might say that they’re doing this out of love and yeah, they might be even doing it out of love but if you ask anyone who experiences this and ask them if they feel loved…I can bet you that they’d say no. Face it, I’m growing up. They have to stop controlling my actions and making my decisions for me. I am my own person. Yes I am their daughter but I’m neither their clone nor puppet. Gone are the days when I obey and believe every single word they say. They taught me yes, but they can only teach me so much. They cannot protect me their entire life and if I have to learn the hard way, so be it. Tell me honestly, how do you learn effectively and remember what you’ve learnt? By doing it, right? Not by recalling what you’ve heard from so and so. You need to deduce and analyze the information by yourself and then make the decision you deem appropriate. Take for example, I’ve met the love of my life but he happens to be a non-Chinese guy and my parents would not let me marry someone who isn’t Chinese. What if he really is The One that God intended for me to marry but because of my parents’ decision, I’m not allowed to be with him. Won’t I miss out on one of the best things that could happen to me?

I think its time they just let me go and trust me to make my decisions in life. If I stumble and get hurt, it’s all part of learning and growing up. Why can’t they just see that? Can’t they see that if they don’t let me learn to make my own decisions, I’ll never learn in time? Kids nowadays are smarter than they look and I’m definitely smarter than my brother at any given age. Not to mention the fact that I would be living independent of their presence in a few months time on the other side of the world.

I’ve been fighting this my entire life with and without me realizing it. It’s no wonder why I want to study overseas, in America of all places. “So far from home” is what I’ve heard some people tell me. If they only knew my reasons for doing it but it’s not entirely because I want to get away. I need to live a little and I can take care of myself! If they don’t even let me stay out after 1am in Malaysia, what makes them think I’ll be safe at any time in America where gun possession is legalized and school shootings are the norm? Think people, think. Gahh!! Now you know why I’m so frustrated. I can see all of this in my mind but they don’t get it. It’s logical isn’t it? I get angry because they want to tell me what to do but they don’t give me a good and proper reason for it. Hello, I’m no longer 5 years old and dumb. I will question your decisions and if you want me to respect and obey them, you had better give me a good explanation for it. The phrase “Because I said so” no longer suffice. So, I hope that by going away, I can at least, for a while, escape the choking and suppressive clutches of the people I love whom I call mum and dad and experience life…the good, the bad, the ugly and the painful.